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Some people think young people should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think young people should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. v. 2
Many people believe that every child should be educated until they finished senior high school degrees. Although the first reaction to some people is to concur to such claims. Nonetheless, from my point of views, there are several persuasive reasons to refute this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to examine this issue more in depth. The main reason to support my position is that if young people take education for granted, then they won't appreciate the learning opportunities they have. Take my friend, Tina, for example, her family compelled her to go to the senior high school even though she spent time on playing. She not only learned nothing from the studies, but also met bad friends who taught her how to smoke. On the other hand, my friend Tony, who had a part time job and went to high school at night. He cherished the chance of school life since he paid the tuition himself. From such examples, it demonstrates that children should know why they need to go to the school and they could also have the choices. Another reason for my belief is that kids may not all enjoy studying. They could be responsible for their own decisions after 16 years old. For instance, my cousin Mike, who went to study in the U. S. A while he was 16 years old. His parents asked him to study until finished university, however, he is a cook now. What he is doing now is nothing related to his studies even though he spent tons of time and money for his schools. Consequently, it can be said that parents should know more about your son or daughter's interests before you force them to spend years on studies. To conclude, it is not to say that other points of views are totally without merit. Nevertheless, the reasons I have presented could support the position of young people should not always be required to finish full-time studies until 18-year-old.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that every child should
be educated
until they finished senior high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
degrees.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
the
first
reaction to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
to concur to such claims. Nonetheless, from my point of views, there are several persuasive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to refute this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to examine this issue more in depth.

The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to support my position is that if young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take education for granted, then they won't appreciate the learning opportunities they have. Take my friend, Tina,
for example
, her family compelled her to go to the senior high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
even though
she spent time on playing. She not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
learned nothing from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
met
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
friends who taught her how to smoke.
On the other hand
, my friend Tony, who had a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
job and went to high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at night. He cherished the chance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
life since he paid the tuition himself. From such examples, it demonstrates that children should know why they need to go to the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
they could
also
have the choices.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for my belief is that kids may not all enjoy studying. They could be responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions after 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
For instance
, my cousin Mike, who went to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in the U. S. A while he was 16 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. His parents asked him to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
until finished university,
however
, he is a cook
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. What he is doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is nothing related to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
even though
he spent tons of time and money for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that parents should know more about your son or daughter's interests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you force them to spend years on studies.

To conclude
, it is not to say that other points of views are
totally
without merit.
Nevertheless
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
I have presented could support the position of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not always
be required
to finish full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
until 18-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think young people should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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