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Some people think young people should be free to choose their job, while others believe that they should be realistic and think about their future. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think young people should be free to choose their job, while others believe that they should be realistic and think about their future. v. 2
Choosing a career path is probably one of the most important decisions we make during our lifetime. Personally speaking, young adults should have the freedom to choose their professions while they also need to take considerations about reality. On the one hand, there is one main reason why youngsters should choose their jobs very carefully, and that they must weigh pros and cons before any irrational decision to be made. To be specific, it is undeniable that we are living in a world of consumerism, meaning we need to first and foremost make a living by ourselves to meet the basic survival preconditions. Modern people are usually faced with various kinds of spending such as housing, food and clothing and none of these could have been met if he or she doesn’t have a stable job to provide for these expenditures. On the contrary, if a person only has a hollow dream and no practical skills, it isn’t hard to imagine that he would have difficulties in finding a job, let alone lead a decent life. On the other hand, I am more in favor of the argument that young people should choose their career path freely by following their hearts. In the first place, if people were given freedom to choose the professions they are so passionate about, they would feel more motivated, they would put extra effort in their working, and therefore they are more likely to succeed than their peers. For example, many Hollywood stars chose the acting career which they were so believe in and fought for and eventually made it possible. In addition, this freedom and passion people feel at work can make a huge difference to worker’s level of happiness and general quality of life. By contrast, I have seen people regretting so much as they gave up the chance to be whoever they want to be. In conclusion, while I understand the necessity of youngsters being realistic, I am convinced that they should take on the path they are interested in.
Choosing a career path is
probably
one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
during our lifetime.
Personally
speaking, young adults should have the freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their professions while they
also
need to take considerations about reality.

On the one hand, there is one main reason why youngsters should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
carefully
, and that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
weigh pros and cons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any irrational decision to
be made
. To be specific, it is undeniable that we are living in a world of consumerism, meaning we need to
first
and foremost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living by ourselves to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the basic survival preconditions. Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
usually
faced with various kinds of spending such as housing, food and clothing and none of these could have
been met
if he or she doesn’t have a stable job to provide for these expenditures.
On the contrary
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has a hollow dream and no practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, it isn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to imagine that he would have difficulties in finding a job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone lead a decent life.

On the other hand
, I am more in favor of the argument that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their career path
freely
by following their hearts. In the
first
place, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
the professions they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
passionate about, they would feel more motivated, they would put extra effort in their working, and
therefore
they are more likely to succeed than their peers.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Hollywood stars chose the acting career which they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Consider using a past participle here: "believed".
believe
in and fought for and
eventually
made it possible.
In addition
, this freedom and passion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel at work can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a huge difference to worker’s level of happiness and general quality of life. By contrast, I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regretting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much as they gave up the chance to be whoever they want to be.

In conclusion
, while I understand the necessity of youngsters being realistic, I
am convinced
that they should take on the path they
are interested
in.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people think young people should be free to choose their job, while others believe that they should be realistic and think about their future. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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