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Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree? v.3

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree? v. 3
Some people argue that keeping libraries is a financial burden and computers are proposed to take their functions to store information. This essay agrees with the statement because traditional libraries require a huge maintenance cost than that of computers. Maintaining books in libraries is costly while the amount of information is limited. On the one hand, storage rooms in libraries need an advanced air conditioning system to regulate temperatures and humidity so that those documents can be maintained in good condition. On the other hand, the number of people who visit libraries is low because they usually come for literatures that are not available in digital format. For example, the government of Jakarta spends almost 1 million dollars annually to maintain the city's library, but there are only 100 visitors on average in each month. In my opinion, this is not a wise investment in storing information. In contrast, modern computers can store terabytes of data, which is equal to millions of pages, in a small form factor. In addition, their running cost is also cheap, they do not need advanced air conditioning and electricity consumption is low. For example, the Singapore state library scanned all books and then stored it in a data centre in 2006. As a result the government has saved around 10 thousand dollars per year from maintenance cost. In my opinion, this is the correct approach for storing information. In conclusions, keeping information old documents in traditional libraries costs governments a lot of money and they better transfer it to digital formats. I believe this way can save their money from lower maintenance cost.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that keeping libraries is a financial burden and computers
are proposed
to take their functions to store information. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
traditional libraries require a huge maintenance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
than that of computers.

Maintaining books in libraries is costly while the amount of information
is limited
. On the one hand, storage rooms in libraries need an advanced air conditioning system to regulate temperatures and humidity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that those documents can
be maintained
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition.
On the other hand
, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who visit libraries is low
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
for literatures that are not available in digital format.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Jakarta spends almost 1 million dollars
annually
to maintain the city's library,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
100 visitors on average in each month. In my opinion, this is not a wise investment in storing information.

In contrast
, modern computers can store terabytes of data, which is equal to millions of pages, in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
form factor.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
addition, their running
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
, they do not need advanced air conditioning and electricity consumption is low.
For example
, the Singapore state library scanned all books and then stored it in a data
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
in 2006.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has saved around 10 thousand dollars per year from maintenance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
. In my opinion, this is the correct approach for storing information.

In conclusions, keeping information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
documents in traditional libraries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
costs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they better transfer it to digital formats. I believe this way can save their money from lower maintenance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree? v.3