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Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. v.4

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. v. 4
Since the dawn of the time, women have been playing a crucial role in the civilisation and development of mankind. It is clear that women can play a vital role in various defence forces so the writer of this statement thinks that they are a blessing for their country. To commence with, women will be a boon to the force. To be clear, the world has realised that women are equally capable as men in both mentally and physically abilities. As women are blessed with intellectual and cognitive skills, they can use these invaluable skills in the force. In addition to this, as we know, women are already serving in the various  other physically demanding job sectors  such as  white collar and blue collar worker. It is unwise to select them in this job sector. More importantly, women are naturally less aggressive and peace makers and these qualities are blessing for the force and once they come to leadership these helps to reduce conflict among the nations. Further, women are already part of the police department and they have proved that they are capable of doing adventures and riskier jobs. To cite an example, women leaders such as Queen Isabella, Victoria and the like ruled vast spectrum of power. On the other hand, women have some physiological barriers in joining the defence force. To make it clear, since women have to give birth to the child and nurture them, they need maternity leave for that. If women are in the force, it would be impossible for them to get leave at the time of war. Apart from that, many retrogressive people argue that women's primary function is to prepare food and look after children and husband so they should not opt to go for a job. To conclude, in this advanced era, women have been working in every realm and they have proved that they can contribute a lot to the society so they should take in defence force.
Since the dawn of the time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have been playing a crucial role in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
and development of mankind. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can play a vital role in various
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the writer of this statement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that they are a blessing for their country.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will be a boon to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
. To be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, the world has
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
equally
capable as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in both mentally and
physically
abilities. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are blessed
with intellectual and cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these invaluable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
.
In addition
to this, as we know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are already serving in the various
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
other
physically
demanding job sectors
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
such as
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
white collar and blue collar worker. It is unwise to select them in this job sector. More
importantly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
naturally
less aggressive and peace makers and these qualities are blessing for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
and once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to leadership these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
conflict among the nations.
Further
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are already part of the police
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
department and
they have proved that they are capable of doing adventures and riskier jobs. To cite an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
leaders such as Queen Isabella, Victoria and the like ruled vast spectrum of power.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physiological barriers in joining the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give birth to the child and nurture them, they need maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
for that. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
, it would be impossible for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
at the time of war. Apart from that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
retrogressive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that women's primary function is to prepare food and look after children and husband
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should not opt to go for a job.

To conclude
, in this advanced era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have been working in every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
realm and
they have proved that they can contribute a lot to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should take in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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