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Television, newspaper, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities v.1

Television, newspaper, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities v. 1
Mass media play a significant role in our society as they elucidate a great deal of different information for people. The professional journalists work for various purposes to deliver the latest and the most sensational news about political, social and economic issues and of course the materials concerning entertainment in all its manifestation. In this essay, I would like to express my personal point of view upon this subject. First of all, I am fully agreed with the title of this essay and I consider it as the real challenge in modern society. People are using many contemporary gadgets these days which give them lots of opportunities to know the things inside out. But the most intriguing and absorbing themes for ordinary people are articles in gossip columns of many newspapers and glossy magazines about movie and pop stars, their glamorous way of living and scandals on their love affairs. Television contributes the problem too, as it shows too much of private and secret details of contemporary stars. The audience is disquiet over big money celebrities and other famous people earn, the clothes they wear, cars they drive and homes they live in and so on. Nowadays it is very popular to know many specific ins and outs of our favourite idols. In addition for many teenagers and young adults these public people are heroes and examples to follow. They admire and fall in love with celebrities, discuss their difficulties and try to get closer to them through the internet, people subscribe for the personal pages of singers, film stars, TV presenters, politicians and others in popular social networks. It seems to me that media should stop their attempts to conquer people via their powerful sources of information, obtrude the unnecessary ideas of getting involved too much into public people’s personal affairs and life. We must live our own life, thinking about our future without pretending to be someone else. There are a lot of other apparent examples in our life where media can be the far more useful source of knowledge, e. g. in education, science, medicine etc. To sum up I would like to state that modern media  make us addicted to the current trends and it is sometimes impossible to stay away from its oppressive influence. Nevertheless, it is up to us to make our own choice in everything that we watch, read, listen or dream about.
Mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
play a significant role in our society as they elucidate a great deal of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
information for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The professional journalists work for various purposes to deliver the latest and the most sensational news about political, social and economic issues and
of course
the materials concerning entertainment in all its manifestation. In this essay, I would like to express my personal point of view upon this subject.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I am
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with the title of this essay and I consider it as the real challenge in modern society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contemporary gadgets these days which give them lots of opportunities to know the things inside out.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the most intriguing and absorbing themes for ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are articles in gossip columns of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
newspapers and glossy magazines about movie and pop stars, their glamorous way of living and scandals on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
affairs. Television contributes the problem too, as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
too much of private and secret
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of contemporary stars. The audience is disquiet over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
money celebrities and other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn, the clothes they wear, cars they drive and homes they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Nowadays it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
specific ins and outs of our
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
idols. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and young adults these public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are heroes and examples to follow. They admire and fall in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with celebrities, discuss their difficulties and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
closer to them through the internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
subscribe for the personal pages of singers, film stars, TV presenters, politicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
in popular social networks.

It seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
their attempts to conquer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
via their powerful sources of information, obtrude the unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of getting involved too much into public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
personal affairs and life. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life, thinking about our future without pretending to be someone else. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
other apparent examples in our life where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can be the far more useful source of knowledge,
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
e. g.
in education, science, medicine etc.

To sum up I would like to state that modern media
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us addicted to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trends and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
impossible to stay away from its oppressive influence.
Nevertheless
, it is up to us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choice in everything that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, read, listen or dream about.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Television, newspaper, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
400 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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