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Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. Discuss both the sides and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include and relevant examples. v.4

Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. v. 4
Some would argue that youngsters should take part in the free community task, whereas others think that it might be an adverse effect on their career. While affecting the occupation of young people if they do unpaid job, I believe that they should participate more in the voluntary program. On the one hand, if young adults give too much attention to voluntary activities in society, they may lose focus on their studies. It may affect their career prospects because of the highly competitive job market. It is impossible to find a job in organizations if a person has not a degree with good grades. For example, more than 75% of youngsters in Japan do not do any voluntary activities when they are doing study at colleges or universities. I think that it may not be a detrimental impact on youngsters occupation as they learn many things about life. On the other hand, young people reap many benefits when they engage in voluntary task for the underprivileged section of the society. This allows them how to see various aspects of life, and they realize that many people around them do not have the necessities. If they concentrate more volunteer activities, they can learn how handicapped people live their lives, and which types of difficulties they will face. For instance, a survey was done by Cambridge University found that 65% of young people does a variety of free task in the United Kindom to help out the disabled and needy people. I think that those youngsters who involve in community activities are self-motivated as family and friends feel proud of them. To conclude, Although unpaid activities may affect their career plans, I think that youngsters should join voluntary service, so that needy people take many benefits from it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in the free community task, whereas others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it might be an adverse effect on their career. While affecting the occupation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if they do unpaid job, I believe that they should participate more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
program.

On the one hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults give too much attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in society, they may lose focus on their studies. It may affect their career prospects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
highly
competitive job market. It is impossible to find a job in organizations if a person has not a degree with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades.
For example
, more than 75% of youngsters in Japan do not do any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
when they are doing study at colleges or universities. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it may not be a detrimental impact on
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "youngsters'" or "youngster's"?
youngsters
occupation as they learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things about life.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reap
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits when they engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
task for the underprivileged section of the society. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
various aspects of life, and they realize that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them do not have the necessities. If they concentrate more volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, they can learn how handicapped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, and which types of difficulties they will face.
For instance
, a survey
was done
by Cambridge University found that 65% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
does a variety of free task in the United
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kindom
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
out the disabled and needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that those youngsters who involve in community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are self-motivated as family and friends feel proud of them.

To conclude
, Although unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
may affect their career plans, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
service,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits from it.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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