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Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 2
Currently we are living in a globalized world and it gives the opportunity to search and follow different paths and sometimes it is not as the standard that the most population take. In the following paragraphs I will discuss about some positives and negative points of go to educational institution straight after high degree or start to perform instead and give my point of the view about this relevant subject. Most of the population lived and still living with an education to attend in the high school and finishing it they need to go to a college straight way, it is more common with people that has a good condition of money and it is not bad thought of their parents because they can go into a market labor young and find a great job position before they become 30 years old, the dark size of this situation is if the student does not know or he or she is not sure about what they want to do for the last of their lives, in some cases they choose something is the trend of the time or a subject what their parents chose. On the other hand, work to serve society after finish the school could be a reasonable idea if the young student is uncertain about the future on the moment, they can discovery new task, make their own money, get acquainted with the work routine, get responsibility and if they want to choose an university. The negative context to have a job without a presence of a college could be a lower salary, difficulties to find a perspective on life and feel frustrated in the reason of take responsibilities early in their lives. As far I am concerned, to effort into a place to serve the community and to frequent a college is both good step to take in life because of being important in life. In my opinion, if the student has a chance to go to an academy after finish is school it is the best option to take in a reason of the further options she or he can have with a diploma.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
we are living in a globalized world and it gives the opportunity to search and follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
paths and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it is not as the standard that the most population take. In the following paragraphs I will discuss about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
positives and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points of go to educational institution straight after high degree or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to perform
instead
and give my point of the view about this relevant subject.

Most of the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
and
still
living with an education to attend in the high school and finishing it they need to go to a college straight way, it is more common with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition of money and it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can go into a market labor young and find a great job position
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they become 30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the dark size of this situation is if the student does not
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
know or
he or she is not sure about what they want to do for the last of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases they choose something is the trend of the time or a subject what their parents chose.

On the other hand
, work to serve society after finish the school could be a reasonable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
if the young student is uncertain about the future on the moment, they
The word 'discovery' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can discovery
new task,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
money,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
acquainted with the work routine,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
responsibility and if they want to choose
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
university. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
context to have a job without a presence of a college could be a lower salary, difficulties to find a perspective on life and feel frustrated in the reason of take responsibilities early in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

As far I
am concerned
, to effort into a place to serve the community and to frequent a college is both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
step to take in life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life. In my opinion, if the student has a chance to go to an academy after finish is school it is the best option to take in a reason of the
further
options she or he can have with a diploma.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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