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Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.13

Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 13
In a society, it is crucially important to give prominence to young people and show them the righteous way for the future. Some consider that young people ought to carry on their education, however, believe that they should be inspired for a job to serve society. I argue that older could show all the circumstance order by their desire to make decisions by themselves. To justify the first idea, country needs for all types of job positions. Encouraging to further education might be meliorated whole academic system. It could improve the education system which is vital in a country and brings lighter future. It also leads to scientific discoveries that make world better place for life, for instance, technological inventions or progress in the medical field are indebted of the academic system. Furthermore, it leads to the younger are possible that recognizing their desire job for the future, achieve academic knowledge and do it optimizer. For example, people who know about physic and math could have better efficiency in technical jobs. Beside further education can develop mind powers by repeating and practicing information and make the work of the brain. To proponent of diverse attitude, as i said there need all types of job in a society. Interests and level of learning differ among people. Some of them prefer art works without academic education or might select technical jobs such mechanic or builder. Almost they have the close sight to education and mostly the reach of money sooner, but generally it might be less than people who work by university educations. However, there are countless examples of people who pick a job and change the world without further education for, such as Steve jobs founder of the Apple Company. In conclusion, I believe that younger people should check all the situations and choose one of them ordered by their interests and abilities.
In a society, it is
crucially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to give prominence to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
them the righteous way for the future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
consider that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to carry on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
however
, believe that they should
be inspired
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to serve society. I argue that older could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
all the circumstance order by their desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions by themselves.

To justify the
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, country needs for all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions. Encouraging to
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
might
be meliorated
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
system. It could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system which is vital in a country and brings lighter future. It
also
leads to scientific discoveries that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
world better place for life,
for instance
, technological inventions or progress in the medical field
are indebted
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
system.
Furthermore
, it leads to the younger are possible that recognizing their desire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for the future, achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge and do it optimizer.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who know about physic and math could have better efficiency in technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Beside
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can develop mind powers by repeating and practicing information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the work of the brain.

To proponent of diverse attitude, as
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
said there need all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a society. Interests and level of learning
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to differ"
differ
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them prefer art works without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
or might select technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
such mechanic or builder. Almost they have the close sight to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
mostly
the reach of money sooner,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
generally
it might be less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work by university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educations
.
However
, there are countless examples of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who pick a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the world without
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for, such as Steve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
founder of the Apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
.

In conclusion
, I believe that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
all the situations and choose one of them ordered by their interests and abilities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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