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Some people think that you can never become fluent in language unless you have spent time living or working in that country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that you can never become fluent in language unless you have spent time living or working in that country. v. 1
In recent years, many people prefer utilizing the plastic money instead of the paper ones, which is more convenient and simpler. However, the internet offences have escalated tremendously as the individuals are opting for a cyberspace to withdraw funds. This essay will highlight how such issues could be solved by an impenetrable reliability, and an instalment of cameras in all such places. To begin with, the people usually save their earnings in the bank for safety. In other words, it is the responsibility of such organizations to incorporate solid security regarding such transactions, and only allow access of the owner to such accounts. To cite an example, a few years ago in India, such stealing of capitals from the banks by the hacker was prevalent, and later concluded to inculcate only an account holder to obtain the information on any withdrawal, and maintain a sturdy security system, which has abated such misdeeds remarkably since a couple of years now. Therefore, to reduce such crimes, security is an essential factor to look upon. Furthermore, a strict law and punishment should be implemented by the government against the hackers. So that individuals will fear before involving themselves in such an offence. In China after the government introduce the lifelong imprisonment to such criminals, hacking has been mitigated to a lower percent than ever before. Thus, punishing the offender accordingly and strictly will create a hesitation within the offender to commit any crime. Who would want to lose all their savings to such offenders? For that, a strong safety and a rigorous law might be benefitted in reducing crimes regarding the financial withdrawal. It is the responsibility of mainly the banks, where the people accumulate their finances, and the government, to whom the people rely mostly for the justice, to look after such issues in the society.
In recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer utilizing the plastic money
instead
of the paper ones, which is more convenient and simpler.
However
, the internet
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
have escalated
tremendously
as the individuals are opting for a cyberspace to withdraw funds. This essay will highlight how such issues could
be solved
by an impenetrable reliability, and an
Possible spelling mistake. 'instalment' is British English.
instalment
of cameras in all such places.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
save their earnings in the bank for safety.
In other words
, it is the responsibility of such organizations to incorporate solid security regarding such transactions, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
access of the owner to such accounts. To cite an example, a few years ago in India, such stealing of capitals from the banks by the hacker was prevalent, and later concluded to inculcate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
an account holder to obtain the information on any withdrawal, and maintain a sturdy security system, which has abated such misdeeds
remarkably
since a couple of years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
Therefore
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
such crimes, security is an essential factor to look upon.

Furthermore
, a strict law and punishment should
be implemented
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
against the hackers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that individuals will fear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
involving themselves in such an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
. In China after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
introduce the lifelong imprisonment to such criminals, hacking has
been mitigated
to a lower percent than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Thus
, punishing the offender
accordingly
and
strictly
will create a hesitation within the offender to commit any crime.

Who would want to lose all their savings to such offenders? For that, a strong safety and a rigorous law might be
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
in reducing crimes regarding the financial withdrawal. It is the responsibility of
mainly
the banks, where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
accumulate their finances, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, to whom the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'to rely' requires the preposition '(up)on': "rely on".
rely
mostly
for the justice, to look after such issues in the society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that you can never become fluent in language unless you have spent time living or working in that country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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