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Some people think that work is the most important thing of people's life. Without the success of career, life will become meaningless. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that work is the most important thing of people's life. Without the success of career, life will become meaningless. v. 1
It is widely believed that the foremost thing in life is work, so only having a successful career would lead to a meaningful life. From my perspective, I totally agree with this opinion, and will give my reasons below. Firstly, carving out a great career is the most effective way to improve a person’s living quality. It is undeniable that the better careers people have, the higher income they generate. For instance, a recent study by Banking Academy of Vietnam found that the income of an average teller in Vietcombank in 2018 was significantly lower than the CEO with about 15, 000 and 100, 000 US dollars per year respectively. Thanks to the higher level of wealth, individuals will be given favorable conditions to increase their quality of life with a larger amount of money spent on education and healthcare services. Secondly, a prosperous career also has the ability to improve a person’s social status. Perhaps the best example of this is Barack Obama, who is one of the most well-known politicians all over the world. He had a distinguished political career as the 44th president of the US from 2009 to 2017. This can be further seen in the fact that during his term in office, America's soft power and reputation abroad considerably improved. He, with his brilliant career, always is respected by both the US residents and the oversea ones, even after he left office and retired in 2017. This demonstrates, I believe that high social status is attached to career success. In conclusion, it seems to me that work plays a vital role in people’s life; therefore, it is essential for them to advance their careers successfully due to the above-mentioned two reasons.
It is
widely
believed that the foremost thing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
having a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
would lead to a meaningful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. From my perspective, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion, and will give my reasons below.

Firstly
, carving out a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is the most effective way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a person’s living quality. It is undeniable that the better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have, the higher income they generate.
For instance
, a recent study by Banking Academy of Vietnam found that the income of an average teller in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vietcombank
in 2018 was
significantly
lower than the CEO with about 15, 000 and 100, 000 US dollars per year
respectively
. Thanks to the higher level of wealth, individuals will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
favorable conditions to increase their quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with a larger amount of money spent on education and healthcare services.

Secondly
, a prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
also
has the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a person’s social status. Perhaps the best example of this is Barack Obama, who is one of the most well-known politicians all over the world. He had a distinguished political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
as the 44th president of the US from 2009 to 2017. This can be
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the fact that during his term in office, America's soft power and reputation abroad
considerably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. He, with his brilliant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, always
is respected
by both the US residents and the oversea ones, even after he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
office and retired in 2017. This demonstrates, I believe that high social status
is attached
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
success.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that work plays a vital role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
;
therefore
, it is essential for them to advance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
successfully
due to the above-mentioned two reasons.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people think that work is the most important thing of people's life. Without the success of career, life will become meaningless. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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