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Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. Which do you think is the best way to choose a career? v.1

Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. Which do you think is the best way to choose a career? v. 1
It is widely argued that people should prefer social ranks and salaries instead of an enjoyable career. In my opinion, I believe that satisfaction is more significant over status and money, which will be discussed further in the essay below. To start with, pursuing an enjoyable career can improve happiness and health of an individual. As it requires a lifetime effort, finding a suitable pathway over salary can impact greatly to someone's well-being. Researchers discovered that over 55% cancer patients normally generated from the stress over the years and less satisfaction towards their career. Scientists also stated that money will never be able to exchange a healthy body and mind, when it comes to work. Therefore, deciding a correct job can directly affect to the mental and physical well-being of a person. In addition, work satisfaction can increase the focus and success for the employees. This is due to the fact that they find a personal motivation to do the work, instead of the company's force. According to 'The Economist' magazine, 85% employees that recently received a promotion, spent over 9hours daily in order to acquire more skills and knowledge. Moreover, survey also suggested that employees who love their jobs have more focus and willingness to improve their abilities. Hence, finding an enjoyable career generally can impact greatly to an employee's success and promotion. To conclude, I believe that employees should pursue jobs satisfaction over ranks and salaries, since people should be able to enjoy their lifetime career. Moreover, deciding the right pathway can directly affect their mental and physical health, and higher chances of promotions and successes in the field.
It is
widely
argued that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should prefer social ranks and salaries
instead
of an enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
is more significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
status and money, which will
be discussed
further
in the essay below.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, pursuing an enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
happiness and health of an individual. As it requires a lifetime effort, finding a suitable pathway
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
salary can impact
greatly
to someone's well-being. Researchers discovered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
55% cancer patients
normally
generated from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the years and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. Scientists
also
stated that money will never be able to exchange a healthy body and mind, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to work.
Therefore
, deciding a correct job can
directly
affect to the mental and physical well-being of a person.

In addition
, work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
can increase the focus and success for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
This is due to the fact that
they find a personal motivation to do the work,
instead
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's force. According to 'The Economist' magazine, 85%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
that recently received a promotion, spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
9hours daily in order to acquire more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
Moreover
, survey
also
suggested that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their jobs have more focus and willingness to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their abilities.
Hence
, finding an enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
generally
can impact
greatly
to an employee's success and promotion.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should pursue jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
ranks and salaries, since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should be able to enjoy their lifetime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
.
Moreover
, deciding the right pathway can
directly
affect their mental and physical health, and higher chances of promotions and successes in the field.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work. Which do you think is the best way to choose a career? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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