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Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that this is improving our lives. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that this is improving our lives. v. 2
In the modern world, being financially stable has become an integral part of our lives. There is a contentious argument amongst some people as they believe being wealthy is of utmost importance whilst others believe that money and possession are given unnecessary attention. This essay will elicit both the points along with my own perspective. To commence, being cash rich and owning assets can lead to a better standard of living. When a person has good finance to sponsor their day-to-day requirement it can lead them to better prospects in life. For instance, people will tend to spend more on hygienic food and luxurious apartments. Furthermore, people will start investing excess money in the business which will create job opportunities as well as there will be a surge in demand and supply of products which will result in a bull market. On the other hand, there are a few shortcomings of residing in a society which gives more weightage to money and possessions as this creates an urge in the people to earn more and it will develop an environment where they will not spend a quality family time. Moreover, if people are not prudent about the overconsumption of things than there will be plethora of waste in the society. In conclusion, I believe both the points have merits. On balance, it is my opinion that wealth can immensely impact the society and can lead to a better future. This is because there will be liquidity in market and businesses will keep progressing.
In the modern world, being
financially
stable has become an integral part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. There is a contentious argument amongst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they believe being wealthy is of utmost importance whilst others believe that money and possession are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
unnecessary attention. This essay will elicit both the points along with my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective.

To commence, being cash rich and owning assets can lead to a better standard of living.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
a person has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
finance to sponsor their day-to-day requirement it can lead them to better prospects in life.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will tend to spend more on hygienic food and luxurious apartments.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
investing excess money in the business which will create job opportunities
as well
as there will be a surge in demand and supply of products which will result in a bull market.

On the other hand
, there are a few shortcomings of residing in a society which gives more weightage to money and possessions as this creates an urge in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to earn more and it will develop an environment where they will not spend a quality family time.
Moreover
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not prudent about the overconsumption of things than there will be plethora of waste in the society.

In conclusion
, I believe both the points have merits. On balance, it is my opinion that wealth can
immensely
impact the society and can lead to a better future. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there will be liquidity in market and businesses will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
progressing.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that this is improving our lives. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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