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Some people think that watching sport is wastage of time during leisure time. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that watching sport is wastage of time during leisure time. v. 2
Education plays a crucial role in the development of the university students. Most of the students adopt their career with own choice. Although, Many are of the opinion that for design a successful path, the best way to acquire knowledge with only study books. However, I will discuss with both views in this essay. There is no doubt that many students want to choose their career as an Entrepreneur, media and also sales manager. In addition, they only obtain a Bachelors degree in any field. Such as, Arts, mass media and commerce. Owing to this, a multitude amount of the youngsters avails a high paid job and boost their career in a forward direction. They assume that only studying relevant subjects is not important for earning a successful work. But, they're hidden skills also utmost vital for securing a high salary job and also achieve a winning career in the future. However, many developed countries students are the key part in enhancing the country's economy. Furthermore, Lot of students obtain a degree in science, doctorate and Law to make a future in a splendid way. Moreover, They realize that there is a vast contribution to acquiring a successful future is studying subjects which they have taught at university level. For Example, in the Paksiatan lot of engineers, doctors are working in various hospitals, industries after getting an education in their study subjects. Because, they implement their knowledge in fields and it is beneficial for their future career prospects. In conclusion, Following discussion and analysis is an adequate for study in subjects at university level. Either, own choice or only be allowed both are utmost important for making a accomplished career. In my opinion, We cannot neglect many student efforts for acquiring a good knowledge in the study time.
Education plays a crucial role in the development of the university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
adopt their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choice. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
are of the opinion that for design a successful path, the best way to acquire knowledge with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
books.
However
, I will discuss with both views in this essay.

There is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want to choose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
as an Entrepreneur, media and
also
sales manager.
In addition
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
obtain a Bachelors degree in any field. Such as, Arts, mass media and commerce. Owing to this, a multitude amount of the youngsters avails a high paid job and boost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in a forward direction. They assume that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
studying relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for earning a successful work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, they're hidden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
also
utmost vital for securing a high salary job and
also
achieve a winning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in the future.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are the key part in enhancing the country's economy.
Furthermore
,
It seems that an article is missing.
Lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
obtain a degree in science, doctorate and Law to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a future
Consider replacing "in a splendid way" with the adverb for "splendid"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a splendid way
.
Moreover
, They realize that there is a vast contribution to acquiring a successful future is studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which they have taught at university level.
For Example
, in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Paksiatan
lot of engineers, doctors are working in various hospitals, industries after getting an education in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, they implement their knowledge in fields and it is beneficial for their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
prospects.

In conclusion
, Following discussion and analysis is an adequate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at university level. Either,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choice or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
both are utmost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for making
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
accomplished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. In my opinion, We cannot neglect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
efforts for acquiring a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that watching sport is wastage of time during leisure time. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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