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Some people think that video games are advantageous while others believe video games are harmful to the people who play them. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that video games are advantageous while others believe video games are harmful to the people who play them. v. 1
Some people believe that video games are beneficial to their users while others find these games disadvantageous. I will discuss both sides of this argument in my essay and give my personal view in the conclusion. On the one hand, video games have certain benefits. Firstly, they allow people to escape from their hectic life, and when they do not feel stressed at work, it is more likely that they will perform better. For example, students nowadays have to finish a great amount of homework, and those who relieve stress by playing games can witness a significantly better performance at school. Secondly, many video games are written in English, thanks to which people can foster their linguistic skills. In fact, we are now living in an increasingly globalized world where English becomes essential, so by playing more video games, we might be able to be fluent and more confident to communicate and integrate into the modern life. On the other hand, video games can exert negative impacts on their players, and they are harmful to the physical, intellectual, and mental development in many ways. They have been greatly discouraging face-to-face interaction among people ever since their invention, allow us to accompany a sedentary lifestyle, and put many at risk of obesity and heart diseases. For example, there have been increasing children who suffer from shortsightedness or become mentally abnormal because of video games, and these cases may outnumber those caused by other factors. Conditions which result from video games put huge pressure on individuals, their parents, and the government, leaving devastating consequences for the many generations. In conclusion, there might be some advantages people can get from video games, however, it seems to me that their negative influences are far more severe.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are beneficial to their users while others find these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
disadvantageous. I will discuss both sides of this argument in my essay and give my personal view in the conclusion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have certain benefits.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to escape from their hectic life, and when they do not feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
at work, it is more likely that they will perform better.
For example
, students nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finish a great amount of homework, and those who relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can witness a
The extreme adjective for good is "wonderful", "fantastic", "superb", "perfect", or "excellent".
significantly better
performance at school.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are written
in English, thanks to which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can foster their linguistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. In fact, we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
living in an
increasingly
globalized world where English becomes essential,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by playing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, we might be able to be fluent and more confident to communicate and integrate into the modern life.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can exert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on their players, and they are harmful to the physical, intellectual, and mental development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. They have been
greatly
discouraging face-to-face interaction among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ever since their invention,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to accompany a sedentary lifestyle, and put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity and heart diseases.
For example
, there have been increasing children who suffer from shortsightedness or become mentally abnormal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and these cases may outnumber those caused by other factors. Conditions which result from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
put huge pressure on individuals, their parents, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, leaving devastating consequences for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
generations.

In conclusion
, there might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
however
, it seems to me that their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences are far more severe.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that video games are advantageous while others believe video games are harmful to the people who play them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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