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In some countries celebrities now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

In some countries celebrities now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
In many countries famous people receive more income that politicians. The main reason of such disproportion is advertising contacts that are offered to stars. However, I am of a strong opinion that this is a positive trend because politicians are employed to serve the society and not to make money. The worldwide recognition of famous people makes them a desirable target for numerous advertising events. Such activities are extremely generously paid and considered to be a significant amount of their earnings, whereas politicians are prohibited to participate in any paid promotional campaigns with the only exception of free social advertisements. For example, in Forbes magazine there are a lot of famous people who are ranked high in their income, but no politician is mentioned there. Consequently, the earnings of stars and politicians are incomparable. Politicians are appointed by people to serve the nation needs and not to earn the money. If they have been admired as stars and obtained significant public attention, it would have interfered with their job and made incapable of performing it properly. In contrast, stars naturally depend on people’s recognition. Their job is to be in the public, attract attention and evoke emotions. Consequently, people pay them off by visiting their shows, purchasing their merchandise, and coping their lifestyle. This results in considerable income they obtain. For example, Kim Kardashian has built her whole career by attracting attention to her body and she continues to earn a fortune by producing clothing and goods to popularize own style. In conclusion, I firmly agree that due to career advancement stars have more opportunities to earn more that politicians, but this is a positive development because much money would interfere with a job of a politician.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
receive more income that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. The main reason of such disproportion is advertising contacts that
are offered
to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "star".
stars
.
However
, I am of a strong opinion that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are employed
to serve the society and not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money.

The worldwide recognition of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them a desirable target for numerous advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. Such activities are
extremely
generously
paid and considered to be a significant amount of their earnings, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are prohibited
to participate in any paid promotional campaigns with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exception of free social advertisements.
For example
, in Forbes magazine there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are ranked
high in their income,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politician
is mentioned
there.
Consequently
, the earnings of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are incomparable.

Politicians
are appointed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to serve the nation needs and not to earn the money. If they have
been admired
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
and obtained significant public attention, it would have interfered with their job and made incapable of performing it
properly
.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
naturally
depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
recognition. Their job is to be in the public, attract attention and evoke emotions.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay them off by visiting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, purchasing their merchandise, and coping their lifestyle. This results in considerable income they obtain.
For example
, Kim Kardashian has built her whole career by attracting attention to her
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
body and
she continues to earn a fortune by producing clothing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
to popularize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that due to career advancement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
have more opportunities to earn more that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
much money would interfere with a job of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politician
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In some countries celebrities now earn more than senior politicians. What might be the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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