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Some people think that they can be fit by going to gym, while other think that there are other better way to remain fit. Discuss both the views with your opinion. v.2

Some people think that they can be fit by going to gym, while other think that there are other better way to remain fit. v. 2
It is a belief of many that the government should provide financial assistance to the parents of the young children. This can help one of them to take care of their children by staying at home. This policy is advantageous because children will obtain extra care, however, it will cause a huge burden on the higher authorities. Parents possess a valuable bond with their offspring which no hired caretaker can form. Due to this closeness, they can be attentive towards their growth and the personal development. As an illustration, my niece was a special child and she had problems in talking. Owing to the presence of her mother at home and her extra attention, she was able to cope up with the society and slowly improved her communicating skills. Therefore, the care of children is ensured by the presence parents as the caretakers at home. If the administrative authorities are bound to provide financial aid to the parents, it will overburden them and they cannot focus on the actual problems such as poverty and education. This strategy will deter them to allocate funds for genuine reasons. Owing to this, the economy will suffer and will lead to a decline in the prosperity of a nation. As a result, at one stage the higher authorities will be no more in a condition to provide monetary aid to the parents. Hence, this approach only created problems for the administration. To conclude, many believe that the government must pay to the parents of younger children in order to help them in staying at home to provide the young ones extra care. The positive aspect of such approach is that children will get care, but it presents it drawback in the form of burden on the government.
It is a belief of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
financial assistance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one of them to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by staying at home. This policy is advantageous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will obtain extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
however
, it will cause a huge burden on the higher authorities.

Parents possess a valuable bond with their offspring which no hired caretaker can form. Due to this closeness, they can be attentive towards their growth and the personal development. As an illustration, my niece was a special
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
child and
she had problems in talking. Owing to the presence of her mother at home and her extra attention, she was able to cope up with the society and
slowly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
her communicating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is ensured
by the presence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as the caretakers at home.

If the administrative authorities
are bound
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
financial aid to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, it will overburden
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they cannot focus on the actual problems such as poverty and education. This strategy will deter them to allocate funds for genuine reasons. Owing to this, the economy will suffer and will lead to a decline in the prosperity of a nation.
As a result
, at one stage the higher authorities will be no more in a condition to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
monetary aid to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Hence
, this approach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
created problems for the administration.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in staying at home to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
the young ones extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect of such approach is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it presents it drawback in the form of burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think that they can be fit by going to gym, while other think that there are other better way to remain fit. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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