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Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. v. 1
These days, it is often argued that the Olympics is no longer relevant in the present era. Despite having its origin in unpopular ancient's believes, I disagree with this notion because this sporting event helps to promote tourism and world peace. Firstly, the Olympics supports tourism as it brings people from various parts of the world together for the sporting event. Both the host cities and visitors benefit tremendously as such cities experience massive infrastructural development to attract tourists and the tourists are offered the opportunity to visit sites previously unknown to them. For instance, the Sydney Olympics in 2000 enlightened people about the beautiful city of sydney and Australia. As a result, Australia experienced a surge in tourism. If there were no Olympics in 2000, Sydney may not have been in the spotlight of the world. Furthermore, the Olympics promote peace around the world. During the bidding for the event, various governments seek for support from participating countries in order to win the bid. Hence good diplomatic relationship is needed. More so, nations leave behind their political differences during the events while campaigns against discrimination such as those against racism are promoted. As a result, the Olympics has enable people to interact with each other's despite differing political ideologies. In conclusion, the Olympics is still important today as it ensure worldwide people and aid tourism. Increased public awareness about it should be encouraged.
These days, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the Olympics is no longer relevant in the present era. Despite having its origin in unpopular ancient's believes, I disagree with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
and world peace.

Firstly
, the Olympics supports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
as it brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from various parts of the world together for the sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
. Both the host cities and visitors benefit
tremendously
as such cities experience massive infrastructural development to attract tourists and the tourists
are offered
the opportunity to visit sites previously unknown to them.
For instance
, the Sydney Olympics in 2000 enlightened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
city of
Possible spelling mistake found.
sydney
and Australia.
As a result
, Australia experienced a surge in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
. If there were no Olympics in 2000, Sydney may not have been in the spotlight of the world.

Furthermore
, the Olympics promote peace around the world. During the bidding for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
, various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
seek for support from participating countries in order to win the bid.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
diplomatic relationship
is needed
. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, nations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
behind their political differences during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
while campaigns against discrimination such as those against racism
are promoted
.
As a result
, the Olympics has
Use past participle here: "enabled".
enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to interact with each other's despite differing political ideologies.

In conclusion
, the Olympics is
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
as it
Did you mean "ensures"?
ensure
worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and aid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
. Increased public awareness about it should
be encouraged
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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