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some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it give a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it give a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 2
It is generally believed by a society that the most crucial part about being wealthy is to provide the opportunities to volunteer other beings. I completely agree with this statement. This essay shall discuss the views with relevant examples in subsequent paragraphs. To commence with, many of the youngsters are suffering from unemployment. Despite of having good academics and degrees, teenagers are not getting good jobs. However, all they need are a chance to prove their ability towards their job. In addition, rich people can contribute their help by giving a chance to people who are in need. For example, due to a shortage of government jobs, peoples are moving towards the private sectors. In addition, by offering them work, they are helping the many families who are looking for shelter and food. On the other hand, there are other ways of helping people. Firstly, if they donate money to the NGO foundations, it would help them to provide many other facilities. Secondly, by funding the schools and organizations of poor children will help them to get educated and prepare them for the better future. This approach developed the whole nation and reduced the illiteracy from the globe. For instance, volunteering, education in the world, who are not that much wealth to afford the school fees, makes the world more developed. This moral activity will spread the peace and happiness of the helpless  population. In conclusion, helping other people is a key to success. This approach should be applied to the every nation for the betterment of the future generations. The prosperity of an each person is only developed by lifting other peoples upward.
It is
generally
believed by a society that the most crucial part about being wealthy is to provide the opportunities to volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
beings. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. This essay shall discuss the views with relevant examples in subsequent paragraphs.

To commence with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the youngsters are suffering from unemployment.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
academics and degrees,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are not getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs.
However
, all they need are a chance to prove their ability towards their job.
In addition
, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contribute their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
by giving a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in need.
For example
, due to a shortage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
jobs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
are moving towards the private sectors.
In addition
, by offering them work, they are helping the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families who are looking for shelter and food.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ways of helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, if they donate money to the NGO foundations, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
facilities.
Secondly
, by funding the schools and organizations of poor children will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educated and prepare them for the better future. This approach developed the whole nation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the illiteracy from the globe.
For instance
, volunteering, education in the world, who are not that much wealth to afford the school fees,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the world more developed. This moral activity will spread the peace and happiness of the helpless
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
population.

In conclusion
, helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a key to success. This approach should
be applied
to the every nation for the betterment of the future generations. The prosperity of
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "an" or "each" is left.
an each
person is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
developed by lifting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
upward.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it give a person the opportunity to help other people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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