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Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. v. 1
In this contemporary world, despite the geographical boundaries, nations have become identical, especially in goods and services industry. In my opinion, this trend has brought up many negative impacts, among which lose of cultural identity and traditional businesses are detrimental. Many countries are experiencing the lose of traditional, cultural values and identities due to free trade agreements. Most western dress codes, for instance, are convenient and easy to wear, as well as low cost compared to traditional costumes. So, people are increasingly changing over to more affordable clothes, as of which this trend can lead to an extinction of some traditional values of the society. Furthermore, traditional and religious festivals those valued for a long time are gradually replaced by the western celebrations, such as Halloween and Valentines Day, because of cultural identities can be further disregard. In addition, a large proportion of locally owned traditional businesses are wiped-off by billion-dollar multinational companies. In fact, free trade agreements between the nations have given a free-pass to multinational companies to begin their investments; sooner or later, traditional businesses are shutdown due to the intolerable competitiveness. On the other hand, some may argue that open economy has expanded the job market, especially in underdeveloped and developing nations that can positively impact on individuals and society; however, I believe that the negative effects on the traditional businesses is a detrimental than providing few extra jobs. In conclusion, I strongly believe that increase availability of goods and services, irrespective of geographical barriers, has developed significant adverse effects on the local traditions and businesses, provided that it is advisable to establish preventive measures to protect the local traditional values and businesses, before accepting the free trade agreement treaties.
In this contemporary world, despite the geographical boundaries, nations have become identical,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services industry. In my opinion, this trend has brought up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts, among which lose of cultural identity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are detrimental.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries are experiencing the
Did you mean "loose" (adjective) or "loss" (noun)?
lose
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
, cultural values and identities due to free trade agreements. Most western dress codes,
for instance
, are convenient and easy to wear,
as well
as low cost compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
costumes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
increasingly
changing over to more affordable clothes, as of which this trend can lead to an extinction of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
values of the society.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and religious festivals those valued for a long time are
gradually
replaced by the western celebrations, such as Halloween and
The official / recommended spelling of this holiday is: "Valentine's Day"
Valentines Day
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cultural identities can be
further
Consider using a past participle here: "disregarded".
disregard
.

In addition
, a large proportion of
locally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are wiped
-off by billion-dollar multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. In fact, free trade agreements between the nations have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a free-pass to multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their investments; sooner or later,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
are shutdown due to the intolerable competitiveness.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may argue that open economy has expanded the job market,
especially
in underdeveloped and developing nations that can
positively
impact on individuals and society;
however
, I believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
is a detrimental than providing few extra jobs.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that increase availability of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services, irrespective of geographical barriers, has developed significant adverse effects on the local traditions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, provided that it is advisable to establish preventive measures to protect the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
values and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accepting the free trade agreement treaties.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government should increase spending on defense, but spend less on social benefits. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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