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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent eleswhere. To what extent to you agree with this veiw? v.1

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent eleswhere. v. 1
Arts sometimes reflect the heritage of the country. While some people believe that the government can invest money in other means Rather than spending on the arts, I believe that the government must not neglect the arts and should invest partial funds in the arts and most of the amount in the transport system of the country. The government should contribute a quarter percentage of its funds to save the monuments of the country. Which represents the country's beauty and its culture to the world. For instance, if regular maintenance is performed to such kind of vintage craft work and the architecture of the buildings, then it will remain the same appearance to the public as it was before. As a result, to save the iconic construction of the country, the government should consider some funds into the arts. On the other hand, facilities to the citizens is paramount. So the government must divert its majority of money to the transport system. Which make locals more convenient means of travelling to work or any other purpose. For Example, investing more in infrastructure of the country and in the betterment of the railway sector, such as train, trams and underground will be more practical and feasible for individuals. As a consequence, this service will promote frequent travelling. In conclusion, Although investing some finance in the arts is necessary as it keeps the historical buildings maintained, But the diverting major portion of the budget should be for developing the country's transportation services because it provides daily service to the citizens. Therefore, the advantages to the citizen through this service outweigh any minor benefits it might bring from the arts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
reflect the heritage of the country.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can invest money in other
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
means


Rather
than spending on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not neglect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and should invest partial funds in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and most of the amount in the transport system of the country.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should contribute a quarter percentage of its funds to save the monuments of the country.

Which represents the country's beauty and its culture to the world.
For instance
, if regular maintenance
is performed
to such kind of vintage craft work and the architecture of the buildings, then it will remain the same appearance to the public as it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
As a result
, to save the iconic construction of the country, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should consider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
funds into the arts.

On the other hand
, facilities to the citizens is paramount.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
divert its majority of money to the transport system.

Which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
locals more convenient means of travelling to work or any other purpose.
For Example
, investing more in infrastructure of the country and in the betterment of the railway sector, such as train, trams and underground will be more practical and feasible for individuals. As a consequence, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
will promote frequent travelling.

In conclusion
, Although investing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
finance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is necessary as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the historical buildings maintained,

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the diverting major portion of the budget should be for developing the country's transportation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it provides daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
to the citizens.
Therefore
, the advantages to the citizen through this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
outweigh any minor benefits it might bring from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent eleswhere. v. 1

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
277 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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