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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be beer spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.2

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be beer spent elsewhere. v. 2
If is often thought that the regime is spending a lot of wealth on the artwork. However, some are of the opinion that they should use the money on more important things. In my point of view, I totally agree with this and believe that they should use the money on more necessary subjects. First of all, there should provide money on objects that are used more often. The reason for this is that the development here is more significant rather than on objects, which are seen sometimes. For example, they can make an improvement in the roadways, which are being damaged by weather circumstances. Moreover, a lot of people will get advantages from that and the number of accidents will decrease over the years. So that's why, it is more valuable to spend money on other things. On the other hand, a lot of money can be saved by this impact. The reason for this is that drawing and paintings are really expensive and takes a lot time and effort to make the end picture. For example, a huge amount of artists is spending months to finish one project. Although, most of the time they do receive the money for their hard work. All in all, the government can save wealth. To conclude, a lot of people believe that the government is wasting money on the arts. Some believe that it should spend on more important things. In my opinion, I totally agree with this and believe it can be positive in other ways, Furthermore it is also money saving.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that the regime is spending a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of wealth on the artwork.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on more necessary subjects.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on objects that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
The reason for this is
that the development here is more significant
rather
than on objects, which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
.
For example
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an improvement in the roadways, which are
being damaged
by weather circumstances.
Moreover
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
advantages from that and the number of accidents will decrease over the years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, it is more valuable to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on other things.

On the other hand
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
be saved
by this impact.
The reason for this is
that drawing and paintings are
really
expensive and takes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
time and effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
picture.
For example
, a huge amount of artists is spending months to finish one project. Although, most of the time they do receive the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. All in all, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can save wealth.

To conclude
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the arts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it should spend on more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
in other ways,
Furthermore
it is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
saving.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be beer spent elsewhere. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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