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Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of parents. v. 1
Earlier, obesity used to be the major problems among adults. Recent studies show that the number of obese children is increasing drastically. Number of children can be seen on the street, who are flatulent. I consider obesity in children as a matter of paramount concern, which needs immediate attention from both parents and government. Firstly, parents are the one, who can teach their children about the consequence of unhealthy lifestyle. The daily routine of going early to bed and early to rise should be included in the family. Children should be encouraged to play outdoor games rather than the computer games. A balanced diet is the key to healthy lifestyle. Parents should keep an eye on the diet of their children. Children should consume more and more vitamin rich food, such as green leafy vegetables, fruits etc. Parents should take their children for morning walk. It is proven that an exercise of twenty minutes a day, can burn enough calories to keep you fit and slim. On the other hand, government can also play a crucial role in curbing the obesity among the children. They can open new public playgrounds where children can find ample space for the outdoor games. They should also create awareness for obesity-prone diseases, for instance, high blood pressure, heart blockage etc. To conclude, parents are the key to a fit child. Children always try to imitate their parents. Finally, a healthy lifestyle with a balanced diet can lead to a prosperous life with less obesity among the children.
Earlier, obesity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be the major problems among adults. Recent studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is increasing
drastically
. Number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on the street, who are flatulent. I consider obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as a matter of paramount concern, which needs immediate attention from both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the one, who can teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the consequence of unhealthy lifestyle. The daily routine of going early to bed and early to rise should
be included
in the family.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should
be encouraged
to play outdoor games
rather
than the computer games. A balanced diet is the key to healthy lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on the diet of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should consume more and more vitamin rich food, such as green leafy vegetables, fruits etc.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for morning walk. It
is proven
that an exercise of twenty minutes a day, can burn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
calories to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
you fit and slim.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
play a crucial role in curbing the obesity among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They can open new public playgrounds where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can find ample space for the outdoor games. They should
also
create awareness for obesity-prone diseases,
for instance
, high blood pressure, heart blockage etc.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the key to a fit child.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
always try to imitate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Finally
, a healthy lifestyle with a balanced diet can lead to a prosperous life with less obesity among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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