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Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of the parents. v. 2
As population soars and disease rates follow, health has become a major concern. On the one hand, increasing rates of childhood obesity is held responsible by government as believed by a few people, while a contrary view assumed its parent's fault. This essay will discuss even though it is parent's responsibility to take care of their children, government plays a vital role in abolishing the obesity. Children are nation's future; thus, government should proactively help them to lead a healthy life by strictly banning junk foods with higher risk of obesity. Readily available foods at supermarkets are mostly adulterated and added preservatives which is available at low cost. Undoubtedly, Kids do get attracted to these colourful foods which can lead to obesity by consuming them. For instance, kids get pocket money, which they mostly use to buy junk food, unaware of the consequences followed. If the government acts smart and allows only good quality food to be sold, then that would be exorbitant for a kid to buy with their own pocket money, thus decreasing the rates of obesity. Not only its government's responsibility, but also a parent's utmost priority to take care of their children's health. Parents should maintain a proper and healthy food chart and check what their kids consume every day. Furthermore, home-made food is best for kids well being. These days both mother and father are so busy working they ignore cooking at home and kids starts feeding on junk or fast food. In many schools, for example, kids pack chips and canned juice instead of fruits for snacks. By simple cooking at home parents can save their kids from being prone to obesity. In conclusion, it's not just parent's responsibility to take care of their children by cooking food at home, but also government plays a vital role by providing high quality food. In my opinion though parents should take care of their kids, it's necessary as a government to address nation's upcoming generation by providing healthy food.
As population soars and disease rates follow, health has become a major concern. On the one hand, increasing rates of childhood obesity
is held
responsible by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as believed by a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, while a contrary view assumed its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent's
fault. This essay will discuss
even though
it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent's
responsibility to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their children,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
plays a vital role in abolishing the obesity.

Children are nation's future;
thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
proactively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to lead a healthy life by
strictly
banning junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity.
Readily
available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
at supermarkets are
mostly
adulterated and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
preservatives which is available at low cost.
Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attracted to these
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which can lead to obesity by consuming them.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pocket money, which they
mostly
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, unaware of the consequences followed. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
acts smart and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to
be sold
, then that would be exorbitant for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pocket money,
thus
decreasing the rates of obesity.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's responsibility,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent's
utmost priority to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their children's health. Parents should maintain a proper and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chart and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
consume every day.
Furthermore
, home-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is best for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
. These days both mother and father are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy working they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
cooking at home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
feeding on junk or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools,
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
pack chips and canned juice
instead
of fruits for snacks. By simple cooking at home parents can save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from being prone to obesity.

In conclusion
, it's not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent's
responsibility to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their children by cooking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
plays a vital role by providing high quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. In my opinion though parents should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, it's necessary as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to address nation's upcoming generation by providing healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is fault of the parents. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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