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Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. v. 1
Most of the people today view that it is the duty of the administrator to control the fatness of the youngster; however, others believe that parents are solely responsible for the cause. I am going to explain the dual views and explain my opinion in the below paragraph. Firstly, People is having sedentary lifestyle and they don't have time to make a meal for themselves neither they can check the dietary intake of their child. The market is flooded with junk and packaged foodstuff with attractive advertisements. A recent study has found that the majority of the children of working parents are obese than the non working parents who have sufficient time to look after the meal of their children. Secondly, the authority is considered as the parent body of the nation and the people are responsible to work with complying its rules and regulations. If the law banned the consumption of such crap cuisine strictly then the consumer must follow it, there is no way of purchasing it. Paying high tax on junk and its advertisement may be one of the solution of discouragement. In other words state should do more campaigns in school, colleges and the public places for anti junk food program; furthermore, mass media campaign will be more effective. In a nutshell, Obesity is a dangerous symptom of non communicable diseases like blood pressure, heart attack and diabetes; however, this can be solved by the co-operation of both parents in personnel and the government at national level.
Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
view that it is the duty of the administrator to control the fatness of the youngster;
however
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
solely
responsible for the cause. I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the dual views and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my opinion in the below paragraph.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
having sedentary
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lifestyle and
they don't have time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a meal for themselves neither they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the dietary intake of their child. The market
is flooded
with junk and packaged foodstuff with attractive advertisements. A recent study has found that the majority of the children of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
Use "obeser" to make a comparison with this adjective.
obese
than the
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who have sufficient time to look after the meal of their children.

Secondly
, the authority
is considered
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
body of the nation and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are responsible to work with complying its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations. If the law banned the consumption of such crap cuisine
strictly
then the consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow it, there is no way of purchasing it. Paying high tax on junk and its advertisement may be one of the solution of discouragement.
In other words
state should do more campaigns in school, colleges and the public places for anti junk food program;
furthermore
, mass media campaign will be more effective.

In a nutshell, Obesity is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
symptom of
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non communicable
diseases like blood pressure, heart attack and diabetes;
however
, this can
be solved
by the co-operation of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in personnel and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
at national level.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think that it is the fault of the parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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