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Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.7

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 7
Many people think that government bears more responsibility for the increase of obesity problems in children, while others say that parents are liable. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in detail and provide evidence as to why parents are more responsible for their children's health rather than government. Children at their early age of life become the victim of many diseases. Obesity is one of the main issues which have affected many children. The rapid rise in such problem alerts government to ban the production of those products which are unhealthy. In addition, it is better to power the local administrations to apply the legislation in true spirit enabling the control of obesity. For example, the inspection of products before launching into the market will put control on those products which cause the fatness problem. However, this is not only up to the governments, parents should also play their role in controlling the issue. In fact, parents bear more responsibility than government because they can easily prohibit their children from those foods which are not good for health. Moreover, they should teach their children from the start about the outcome of unhealthy food as well as take strict action where required. For instance, the recent report on health systems and disease reveals that many of the victims of obesity were due to their parents as they could not prohibit their children from unhealthy foods though legislation were in place. Thus, this alert parents take measures to control the increasing problems in children. In conclusion, unless efforts are made by parents to provide their children food made of healthy ingredients, the problem will only escalate. While governments have a critical role to play, individuals should take proper measure to control on the problem as I believe the parents and guardians are more responsible for the rise of such issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
bears more responsibility for the increase of obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, while others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are liable. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in detail and provide evidence as to why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more responsible for their children's health
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Children at their early age of life become the victim of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases. Obesity is one of the main issues which have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The rapid rise in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
alerts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to ban the production of those products which are unhealthy.
In addition
, it is better to power the local administrations to apply the legislation in true spirit enabling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
of obesity.
For example
, the inspection of products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
launching into the market will put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on those products which cause the fatness problem.

However
, this is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
also
play their role in controlling the issue. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
bear more responsibility than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
easily
prohibit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for health.
Moreover
, they should teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
about the outcome of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
as well
as take strict action where required.
For instance
, the recent report on health systems and disease reveals that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the victims of obesity were due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as they could not prohibit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
though legislation were in place.
Thus
, this alert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
take measures to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in children.

In conclusion
, unless efforts
are made
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
made of healthy ingredients, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
escalate. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have a critical role to play, individuals should take proper measure to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as I believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and guardians are more responsible for the rise of such issue.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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