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Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. Who do you think should take responsibility? v.2

Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. Who do you think should take responsibility? v. 2
While it is believed by some that old people should be looked after by the authorities, others argue that it is the responsibility of their families. I believe that both governments and families are responsible for taking care of the elderly. Governments should take part in taking care of its older citizens for two reasons. Firstly, they were once young people who worked and paid their taxes. As a consequence, part of their taxes should be paid back to them as pensions when they grow old since many people cannot save money during their lives. Secondly, not all old people have family members to take care of them. This can be exemplified by people who decide to stay single and not give birth to children nowadays or those whose family members might have passed away or travelled to other countries. In this case, if governments did not look after its older citizens, then they might become homeless and die on the streets. Family members should also take care of their elders and never forsake them. People who have grown old were once young parents who took care of their children and, consequently, their families should do their best to support them when they grow old instead of leaving them in nursing homes. Although some nursing homes provide medicine and a place to stay for the elderly, they are not guaranteed to treat them well and many nurses bully old people. Additionally, it breaks old people’s hearts when their families neglect them in their old age. For instance, many people start a family in order to find support and love when they grow old and they would be heartbroken and abandoned when their families refuse to look after them. In conclusion, families must take care of their elders and support them as well as governments since not all old people have families to look after them.
While it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be looked
after by the authorities, others argue that it is the responsibility of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. I believe that both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are responsible for taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the elderly.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of its older citizens for two reasons.
Firstly
, they were once young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
worked and paid their taxes. As a consequence, part of their taxes should
be paid
back to them as pensions when they grow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot save money during their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Secondly
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them. This can
be exemplified
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
decide to stay single and not give birth to children nowadays or those whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members might have passed away or travelled to other countries.
In this case
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
did not look after its older citizens, then they might become homeless and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
on the streets.

Family members should
also
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their elders and never forsake them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have grown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
were once young parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their children and,
consequently
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
should do their best to support them when they grow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
instead
of leaving them in nursing homes. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nursing homes provide medicine and a place to stay for the elderly, they are not guaranteed to treat them well and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nurses bully
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Additionally
, it breaks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
hearts when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
neglect them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in order to find support and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
when they grow
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
they would be heartbroken and abandoned when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
refuse to look after them.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their elders and support them
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
since not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
to look after them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. Who do you think should take responsibility? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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