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Some people think that the detailed criminal description on newspaper and TV has bad influences, so this kind of information should be restricted on the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that the detailed criminal description on newspaper and TV has bad influences, so this kind of information should be restricted on the media. v. 2
When it comes to crime and criminal, everybody get worried, government, parents, school principals, and so on. Every day, we can see numerous crimes which are broadcasted on TV, newspapers or other types of media. Crime related news or programs, normally tell us every single details and it feels like we have been among real witnesses of those crimes. Although this approach is not acceptable by all people and some of them oppose it and demand to limit these kinds of programs or at least cut their details. I believe that all people should be aware of criminal details for below reasons. To begin with, offenders are changing their methods every day, and no one can deny this fact. Unfortunately, criminals are growing their communities or their instruments and are seeking for new ways to threat and abuse people or society’s resources. Well, in this situation, it would be much better if people receive complete information about what is going on around them and how criminals behave these days. This wouldn’t be possible except people become informed through media. For example, recently I saw a program on TV about how some criminals are kidnapping people while they introduce them-selves as a taxi driver. First I saw that program, I was terrified, but it helped me to be more careful each time that I want to take a taxi to work or school. Furthermore, if media choose to reveal some news or eliminate the detail of crimes in the society, it may lead to even more amount of felony. To explain more, consider the situation that TV or newspapers decide to spend less attention to a criminal incident, for example an airplane hijack, this might lead to this conclusion by criminals that these sorts of crimes don’t have too much influences in society also media or people don’t care enough and then they feel more relax to commit such those offences again. On the other hand, showing detailed crimes in media could be considered as a push factor for governments and force them to take more actions to address crime committing in communities. For example, when newspapers write about a corruption more attentions go that way and governments are compel to take prompt actions to solve the problem which ultimately result in a higher level of safety in societies. To sum up, people may feel frightened or depressed when see a detailed program about specific crime committed by someone, it could be considered as a normal reflection, however, the important issue here is that any person should be utterly alert about the criminal activities in order to take better care of himself or his family, so this is media’s responsibility to inform people and governments.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
, everybody
The pronoun 'everybody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "gets", "got".
get
worried,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, parents, school principals, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Every day, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
which
are broadcasted
on TV, newspapers or other types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Crime
related news or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
,
normally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
us every single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
and it feels like we have been among real witnesses of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. Although this approach is not acceptable by all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them oppose it and demand to limit these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
or at least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
. I believe that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be aware of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
for below reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, offenders are changing their methods every day, and no one can deny this fact. Unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are growing their communities or their instruments and are seeking for new ways to threat and abuse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or society’s resources. Well, in this situation, it would be much better if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
receive complete information about what is going on around them and how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
behave these days. This wouldn’t be possible except
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become informed through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
For example
, recently I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
on TV about how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are kidnapping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while they introduce them-selves as a taxi driver.
First
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
, I
was terrified
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to be more careful each time that I want to take a taxi to work or school.

Furthermore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
choose to reveal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
news or eliminate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
detail
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in the society, it may lead to even more amount of felony. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
more, consider the situation that TV or newspapers decide to spend less attention to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
incident,
for example
an airplane hijack, this might lead to this conclusion by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
that these sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
don’t have too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
influences in society
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t care
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enough and
then they feel more relax to commit such those
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
again.

On the other hand
, showing detailed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
could
be considered
as a push factor for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and force them to take more actions to address
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
committing in communities.
For example
, when newspapers write about a corruption more attentions go that way and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are
Consider using a past participle here: "compelled".
compel
to take prompt actions to solve the problem which
ultimately
result in a higher level of safety in societies.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may feel frightened or depressed when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a detailed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
about specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
committed by someone, it could
be considered
as a normal reflection,
however
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue here is that any person should be
utterly
alert about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities in order to take better care of himself or his family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media’s
responsibility to inform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think that the detailed criminal description on newspaper and TV has bad influences, so this kind of information should be restricted on the media. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
454 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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