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In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement v.4

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement v. 4
The concern and ongoing debate in the relationship between equality and personal success have developed recently. Some are convinced that individuals have marvellous opportunities to gain their success in egalitarian societies where everyone is treated in the same manner no matter what their educational, economical and intellectual levels are. While the opponents conceive that the high level of attainment will happen only if the individuals are free to achieve both the success and failure based on their own capabilities. I entirely believe that there is a strong connection between equality and personal success and this essay aims to elaborate that the egalitarian society is the best option for people. As the era is developing, some aspects among the general public are changing and equality is one of those aspects. The concept of equality has been spread in the whole world and it results in many successes in egalitarian communities. Egalitarian gives fantastic chance to people to gain their achievement since there is no restriction for people in order to reach their success. In this situation, skill and knowledge are the main factors to achieve it. In Indonesia, for example, it was hard for women to have positions in certain sectors such as politics and military because most people were convinced that it was not appropriate for women to become either politician or a defence personnel. Yet, as the people is more open-minded now, it is no longer an issue and women can achieve their success in any sectors based on their ability. Thus, the egalitarian trend has influenced the society’s achievement. Besides, equal rights and opportunities trigger people to become more competitive in a positive way and have more spirit to achieve something. Furthermore, people can get motivation from their surrounding that has similar objectives. In a classroom, for instance, every pupil has the same rights to be the champ without be differentiated by the teacher. While the students are surrounded by spirited fellows, they will learn better. In this case, having equal opportunities and rights urge people to gain the best achievement. Therefore, egalitarian concepts provide more chance to every people to become successful. In conclusion, In conclusion, equality motivates people to work together and help each other. In a society where discrimination is present, even based on people’s capability, greater good can never be achieved.
The concern and ongoing debate in the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
have developed recently.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are convinced
that individuals have
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
opportunities to gain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
egalitarian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
where everyone
is treated
in the same manner no matter what their educational, economical and intellectual levels are. While the opponents conceive that the high level of attainment will happen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if the individuals are free to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and failure based on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
capabilities. I
entirely
believe that there is a strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and this essay aims to elaborate that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
egalitarian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is the best option for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

As the era is developing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects among the
Consider using "public".
general public
are changing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
is one of those aspects. The concept of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
has
been spread
in the whole world and it results in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
egalitarian
communities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Egalitarian
gives fantastic chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gain their achievement since there is no restriction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to reach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. In this situation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and knowledge are the main factors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
it. In Indonesia,
for example
, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for women to have positions in certain sectors such as politics and military
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were convinced
that it was not appropriate for women to become either politician or a
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
personnel.
Yet
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
more open-minded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, it is no longer an issue and women can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in any sectors based on their ability.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
egalitarian
trend has influenced the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society’s
achievement.

Besides
, equal rights and opportunities trigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become more competitive in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way and have more spirit to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
something.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivation from their surrounding that has similar objectives. In a classroom,
for instance
, every pupil has the same rights to be the champ without
be differentiated
by the teacher. While the students
are surrounded
by spirited fellows, they will learn better.
In this case
, having equal opportunities and rights urge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gain the best achievement.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
egalitarian
concepts provide more chance to every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become successful.

In conclusion
,
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other. In a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
where discrimination is present, even based on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
capability, greater
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
can never
be achieved
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
387 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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