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Some people think that the best way to reduce time spend travelling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. Discuss both of the views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that the best way to reduce time spend travelling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. v. 2
The urbanization of city has bring both advantages and disadvantages. People have to spend more and more time travelling to and from work because of the expansion of cities. Some people suggest that apartment buildings should be planted near the city center to replace the parks and gardens. I think people should take more consideration of this idea. On the one hand, if this idea can be well carried out, it could effectively reduce the commuting time for many workers. Living in the apartment buildings close to work can help save a lot of time since the commuters do not have to spend too much time on traveling. They can even walk to their offices, therefore they are no longer troubled by the heavy traffic in big cities on their way to and from work. On the other hand, however, residences and workers might be bothered by other things. Since many people live just near the center, it obviously cause too much pressure for it. Just imagine what the center would look like when millions of people moved in or out of the numerous apartment buildings. The center would become more crowded and polluted than before. What’s more, people still need parks and garden to entertainment, and they have to spend even more time, maybe few hours or even longer, to travel to a place for taking a little rest. In the long term, people are not able to find the pleasure that is so important for their work and life, and the benefits they get from shortened travelling time would be undone. In summary, there are some better measures could be used to solve this issue. For example, using advanced telecommunication technologies on work. So workers can work from home, which reduce their commuting time.
The urbanization of city has
Use past participle here: "brought".
bring
both advantages and disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
travelling to and from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the expansion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that apartment buildings should
be planted
near the city center to replace the parks and gardens. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take more consideration of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

On the one hand, if this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
can be well carried out, it could
effectively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the commuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers. Living in the apartment buildings close to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
since the commuters do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on traveling. They can even walk to their offices,
therefore
they are no longer troubled by the heavy traffic in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
on their way to and from work.

On the other hand
,
however
, residences and workers might
be bothered
by other things. Since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
near the center, it
obviously
Did you mean "causes"?
cause
too much pressure for it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine what the center would look like when millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
in or out of the numerous apartment buildings. The center would become more crowded and polluted than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. What’s more,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
need parks and garden to entertainment, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend even more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, maybe few hours or even longer, to travel to a place for taking a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
rest. In the long term,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not able to find the pleasure
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and life, and the benefits they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from shortened travelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
would be undone.

In summary, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
better measures could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to solve this issue.
For example
, using advanced telecommunication technologies on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
workers can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their commuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the best way to reduce time spend travelling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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