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Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.7

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes. v. 7
There has been an ongoing controversy which has led to the question, “Should shopping outlets sell home made products or imported ones? ”. Some people think that these local made consumables should be sold in stores while others believe otherwise. In my opinion, I believe that it is appropriate to enforce that food stores should sell products made by the citizen of that country rather than other countries. This is to patronize the producers and encourage entrepreneurship. Firstly, some individuals have thrived overtime to earn a source of living. However, they find a way to it and become positively creative to achieve a goal. They start to produce for the citizens. In order to encourage these talents, they need to be patronized so as to make profit in the business. In addition, they also meet up with the demands of the people because they have a first hand information about the needs of the people than the importers. For example, a research was carried out by a set of 5 students, which revealed that, 90% of individuals in the immediate society who are into production of farm produce, tend to meet the high demands of the immediate locality than the foreign market. Another point to consider is that, entrepreneurship is to be encouraged and supported in their immediate society. This will assist to empower such individuals to become useful for a better tomorrow. For example, during one of the articles I read from the Nigerian Punch newspaper dated the 9th of August 2009, it was stated that the best entrepreneurs are the ones that emanated from their locality. In conclusion, the sale of products made in ones immediate society meets up with the requests of the citizens rather than the importers. I strongly believe that this is the best approach to encouraging one man businesses and helping people earn a living.
There has been an ongoing controversy which has led to the question, “Should
The verb 'Should' requires the base form of the verb: "shop"
shopping
outlets sell home made products or imported
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
? ”.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these local made consumables should
be sold
in stores while others believe
otherwise
. In my opinion, I believe that it is appropriate to enforce that food stores should sell products made by the citizen of that country
rather
than other countries. This is to patronize the producers and encourage entrepreneurship.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals have thrived overtime to earn a source of living.
However
, they find a way to it and become
positively
creative to achieve a goal. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to produce for the citizens. In order to encourage these talents, they need to
be patronized
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profit in the business.
In addition
, they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with the demands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a
'first hand' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "first-hand".
first hand
information about the needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than the importers.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
was carried
out by a set of 5 students, which revealed that, 90% of individuals in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immediate
society who are into production of farm produce, tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the high demands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immediate
locality than the foreign market.

Another point to consider is that, entrepreneurship is to
be encouraged
and supported in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immediate
society. This will assist to empower such individuals to become useful for a better tomorrow.
For example
, during one of the articles I read from the Nigerian Punch newspaper dated the 9th of August 2009, it
was stated
that the best entrepreneurs are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
that emanated from their locality.

In conclusion
, the sale of products made in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immediate
society meets up with the requests of the citizens
rather
than the importers. I
strongly
believe that this is the best approach to encouraging one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
businesses and helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn a living.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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