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Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss. v.3

Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss. v. 3
Today's era is all about people showcase what things they possess and to flaunt their money. Having a lavish celebration has become an important part of today's lifestyle. Moreover, I believe that it's not necessary and it is a waste of hard earn rupee. In following paragraphs, I will be discussing the pro and con's o practice. To begin with, Celebrating all crucial dates of one's life with other people does not feel right. As its just feeding the person's ego and self respect and it is most artificial way living life. But some people say's that sharing their happiness with other people is not wrong. I do agree with this statement, of sharing beautiful moments with people is not a problem, But not with everyone. Who is not even concerned with your life. Small gathering with a few people who actually loves you will make more sense. Rather, pretending to be happy with fake friends. However, Some believe that it's required to organise such events as it is part of their social activity and to maintain their standard and in Multinationals companies its a compulsory to keep having a small fun meeting to keep their employee morale high. They have made this as a cultural in their institute. To conclude, It's important to have parties at times and have fun with people around. But at the same time it should not be with fake or show of certain things or pretending to be enjoying when you are actually not having fun. Social parties should not be conducted to show, how rich one is.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's era is all about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
showcase what things they possess and to flaunt their money. Having a lavish celebration has become an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's lifestyle.
Moreover
, I believe that it's not necessary and it is a waste of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
earn rupee. In following paragraphs, I will be discussing the pro and con's o practice.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, Celebrating all crucial dates of one's life with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
does
not feel right. As its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
feeding the person's ego and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self respect
and it is
Did you mean "the most"?
most
artificial way living life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Do not use 's with a verb. Did you mean "saith", "says"?
say's
that sharing their happiness with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, of sharing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
moments with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
not a problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
not with everyone.
“Who” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Who
is not even concerned with your life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Small
gathering with a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more sense.
Rather
, pretending to be happy with fake friends.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that it's required to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
as it is part of their social activity and to maintain their standard and in Multinationals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
a compulsory to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
fun meeting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their employee morale high. They have made this as a cultural in their institute.

To conclude
, It's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have parties at times and have fun with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
at the same time it should not be with fake or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
of certain things or pretending to be enjoying when you are actually not having fun. Social parties should not
be conducted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, how rich one is.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss. v. 3

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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