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Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.11

Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. v. 11
In the modern world, throwing parties can be challenging for its organizers. However, there is an opinion that it can create a new society, which is more organized and cheerful. Personally, I reckon that celebrations’ number should be limited in order to make a conscious society. It is widely known that ordinary people spend the significant amount of money on the celebrations of parties, such as weddings, birthdays and graduation. Consequently, they can face with shortage of money after the celebrations. A good illustration of this is weddings in Central Asia, where citizens take loans and credits in order to celebrate parties. Furthermore, parties can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle. That is to say, not controlling your diet can lead to the deterioration of well-being. To illustrate, many party animals are suffering from diseases relating to their digestion. On the other hand, such kinds of events can be beneficial for the individuals as well as for the society. First of all, it can create a new community. It is widely accepted that if individuals spend their time at the parties, they can communicate with other people. As a result, they can develop their soft skills. For instance, the community can get a benefit from these communications, because it can lead to the prosperity. Secondly, the parties can leave good memories. The important thing is that individuals get various emotions and enjoyment. For example, many people can feel sadness, when they are graduated from the universities or schools. To conclude, although celebrations of events can bring various emotions and amusement, personally, I believe that their number should be regulated, because people can waste their money. In addition, it can create some minor problems for the health.
In the modern world, throwing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
can be challenging for its organizers.
However
, there is an opinion that it can create a new society, which is more organized and cheerful.
Personally
, I reckon that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations’
number should
be limited
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a conscious society.

It is
widely
known that ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend the significant amount of money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
, such as weddings, birthdays and graduation.
Consequently
, they can face with shortage of money after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is weddings in Central Asia, where citizens take loans and credits in order to celebrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle.
That is
to say, not controlling your diet can lead to the deterioration of well-being. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
animals are suffering from diseases relating to their digestion.

On the other hand
, such kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can be beneficial for the individuals
as well
as for the society.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it can create a new community. It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that if individuals spend their time at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
, they can communicate with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
, they can develop their soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, the community can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a benefit from these communications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can lead to the prosperity.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parties
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
memories. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is that individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
various emotions and enjoyment.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can feel sadness, when they
are graduated
from the universities or schools.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrations
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can bring various emotions and amusement,
personally
, I believe that their number should
be regulated
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can waste their money.
In addition
, it can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minor problems for the health.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that spending a lot on holding wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is just a waste of money. Others, however, think that these are necessary for individuals and the society. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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