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Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drink that has been scientifically proved to be bad for people's health. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drink that has been scientifically proved to be bad for people's health. v. 1
Health problems are being dramatically concerned nowadays. Therefore, some people argue that food and drink that are harmful to people should be banned from selling in shops and stores. Personally, I totally follow this idea because of the rationales following. First of all, although fast food or soft drink may be appetizing, the health of people will be adversely affected. For example, statistics have shown that junk food or canned food is dangerous since they contain a great amount of preservative. If everyone consumes this substance for a long time, it will lead to numerous health problems like obesity, allergy, food poisoning or even heart attack that cause many deaths each year. Another point I want to make is that the health results will be similar when people use beverage containing alcohol or stimulant. When they drink beer or coffee in a limited quantity, it will somehow help them gain more energy to work or even enhance their health. However, if they drink too much, it can bring about the negative consequences for their well-being. Take beer as an example, science has claimed that a glass of beer per day will assist humans with better circulation, but if it is overused, they can face various problems with their health. First, the liver will be damaged, then the cardiovascular system will be destroyed, leading to heart disease. To sum up, I believe unhealthy food and drink should be banned from selling in stores. Even though it would be difficult for some people to seek another alternative to their daily meals, especially those who are addicted to convenience food, it is just for a better way to lead a healthy lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
problems are being
dramatically
concerned nowadays.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
that are harmful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be banned
from selling in shops and stores.
Personally
, I
totally
follow this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rationales following.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
may be appetizing, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
For example
, statistics have shown that junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or canned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
since they contain a great amount of preservative. If everyone consumes this substance for a long time, it will lead to numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems like obesity, allergy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
poisoning or even heart attack that cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deaths each year.

Another point I want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
results will be similar when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
beverage containing alcohol or stimulant. When they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
beer or coffee in a limited quantity, it will somehow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them gain more energy to work or even enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
However
, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
too much, it can bring about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences for their well-being. Take beer as an example, science has claimed that a glass of beer per day will assist humans with better circulation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if it
is overused
, they can face various problems with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
First
, the liver will
be damaged
, then the cardiovascular system will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
, leading to heart disease.

To sum up, I believe unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
should
be banned
from selling in stores.
Even though
it would be difficult for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to seek another alternative to their daily meals,
especially
those who
are addicted
to convenience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for a better way to lead a healthy lifestyle.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drink that has been scientifically proved to be bad for people's health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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