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Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. v. 1
It is true that the question of whether to reward students with excellent academic results or those showing great improvements remains a source of controversy in the education field. While a number of people believe that only students achieving the highest grades deserve rewards, I would argue that praising students who achieve improvements is much more reasonable. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why awards should be given to students having excellent academic performances. Firstly, this could creat a highly competitive studying environment a school, seeing that students often desire to win prizes. As a consequence, school children could be encouraged to put their effort into studying for the highest scores. Secondly, by adopting this approach, gifted students who are outstanding could be given opportunities to nurture their abilities. My secondary school, for instance, selects students with the best results for extra classes to develop their capabilities in order to take them to national competitions. On the other hand, I believe that giving encouragement to those who make strides in their studies results in more favourable outcomes. The first benifit is that this could give equal chances for every student to receive awards, rather than only focus on the highest achievers. Instead of feeling disappointed when competing with their top classmates, students who are recognized for their effort during semesters will feel motivated if they are rewarded for making significant progress. Another benifit is that this form of recognition follows the holistics principle of learning, which is to access the world of knowledge, not just to gain high scores. Consequently, several phenomena which occur when examinations approach, including pressure, axienty and cheating, would be reduced. In conclusion, although rewarding students with highest scores is advantagous to some extent, it seems to me that ir is better to give encouragement to those who have improved their level of academic performance.
It is true that
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
to reward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with excellent academic results or those showing great improvements remains a source of controversy in the education field. While a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
achieving the highest grades deserve rewards, I would argue that praising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
achieve improvements is much more reasonable.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why awards should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
having excellent academic performances.
Firstly
, this could
Possible spelling mistake found.
creat
a
highly
competitive studying environment a school, seeing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
desire to win prizes. As a consequence, school children could
be encouraged
to put their effort into studying for the highest scores.
Secondly
, by adopting this approach, gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are outstanding could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunities to nurture their abilities. My secondary school,
for instance
, selects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with the best results for extra classes to develop their capabilities in order to take them to national competitions.

On the other hand
, I believe that giving encouragement to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
strides in their studies results in more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
outcomes. The
first
Possible spelling mistake found.
benifit
is that this could give equal chances for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to receive awards,
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on the highest achievers.
Instead
of feeling disappointed when competing with their top classmates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are recognized
for their effort during semesters will feel motivated if they
are rewarded
for making significant progress. Another
Possible spelling mistake found.
benifit
is that this form of recognition follows the
Possible spelling mistake found.
holistics
principle of learning, which is to access the world of knowledge, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to gain high scores.
Consequently
, several phenomena which occur when examinations approach, including pressure,
Possible spelling mistake found.
axienty
and cheating, would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

In conclusion
, although rewarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
scores is
Possible spelling mistake found.
advantagous
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, it seems to me that
Possible spelling mistake found.
ir
is better to give encouragement to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
their level of academic performance.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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