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Some people think that prison sentences should not be used to deal with criminals. Education and skills training should be used instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people think that prison sentences should not be used to deal with criminals. Education and skills training should be used instead. v. 4
Punishing offenders with a detention time has been a controversial topic for many years. Because there is a thought in the society that believe, with the help of rehabilitation programs these people can be brought into the correct path. I agree that well organized training sessions would help prisoners to develop certain skills that will be useful when they are released. Firstly, although they have made some mistakes along the way, the majority of these individuals are good in their hearts. Unfortunately, the current prison system does not provide  a fair chance for them to become better citizens. For instance, when a person first enters to a jail, it is surrounded by various types of criminals who have been locked up for several years, in a order to survive in this unpleasant environment aforementioned person has to blend in with those with bad intentions. Hence, if these detentions have better methods to get themselves busy with, then they would not end up with the bad influence of other dangerous offenders. On the other hand, the skills taught during lock-up time would be enormously valuable in their future. For example, assume that a particular person gets released from a lock-up that had given him specific knowledge about a job. Then, at least that person has an opportunity to select the best path other than continuing previous disruptive lifestyle. Moreover, the self confidence it provides is crucial to build up the lost self respect of theirs. In addition, these programs offer a numerous benefits for the society such as producing more trained work force for a nation and helping to reduce the crimes around a country. In conclusion, the prisoner education and skill training programs have a number of advantages such as building trained workforce and motivating offenders to leave the criminal activities. Therefore, such actions would generate great many of benefits for the society and for the individuals.
Punishing offenders with a detention time has been a controversial topic for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
in the society that believe, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of rehabilitation programs these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
be brought
into the correct path. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that well organized training sessions would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
prisoners to develop certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that will be useful when they
are released
.

Firstly
, although they have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mistakes along the way, the majority of these individuals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in their hearts. Unfortunately, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
prison system does not provide
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chance for them to become better citizens.
For instance
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
first
enters to a jail, it
is surrounded
by various types of criminals who have
been locked
up for several years, in
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
order to survive in this unpleasant environment aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
blend in with those with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
intentions.
Hence
, if these detentions have better methods to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
themselves busy with, then they would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence of other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
offenders.

On the other hand
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
taught during lock-up time would be
enormously
valuable in their future.
For example
, assume that a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
released from a lock-up that had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
him specific knowledge about a job. Then, at least that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has an opportunity to select the best path other than continuing previous disruptive lifestyle.
Moreover
, the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
it provides is crucial to build up the lost
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self respect
of theirs.
In addition
, these programs offer a numerous
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "benefit"?
benefits
for the society such as producing more trained work force for a nation and helping to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the crimes around a country.

In conclusion
, the prisoner education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
training programs have a number of advantages such as building trained workforce and motivating offenders to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the criminal activities.
Therefore
, such actions would generate great
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of benefits for the society and for the individuals.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that prison sentences should not be used to deal with criminals. Education and skills training should be used instead. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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