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Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. v. 2
Every one like to be happy in their being and working towards to gain that. Some claims that it is directly linked to economic success, whereas others believe that it is associated with other factors such as having good health, helping others and so on. In my opinion, it depends on many factors, not just money. This essay will discuss both the views in detail and present my arguments to support my view. Firstly, Nowadays, many people are working hard to obtain a good position and compare with others, as per them satisfaction attached to success and feel delighted. In other words, big house, luxury car or an expensive trip brings enjoyment. In addition, it is irrefutable that most of the happiness can buy through money, even to buy a bottle of water we need to pay. For example, why people are unhappy with their life? Because they don’t have enough cash to buy whatever they desire. So economic success is directly linked to their Joy and brings good cheer to their existence. On the other hand, many find the joy in other things, such as spending valuable time with family, helping others, posing a good health. Mean to say despite of having a good bank balance some won’t be having a peaceful life. For example, Steve Job, founder of Apple, even though he had a remarkable social status, hefty bank balance, he couldn’t survive with Cancer. Therefore, it is important have love, care and wonderful health to be happy. To conclude, it is not just a social status, wealth which brings meaning to our life, many aspects contribute to this. It varies from person to person, but just by having material things one cannot be happy, the combination of all factors can bring a well-being.
Every one like to be happy in their being and working towards to gain that.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
claims that it is
directly
linked to economic success, whereas others believe that it
is associated
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
health, helping others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. In my opinion, it depends on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
money. This essay will discuss both the views in detail and present my arguments to support my view.

Firstly
, Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to obtain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
position and compare with others, as per them satisfaction attached to success and feel delighted. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, luxury car or an expensive trip
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
enjoyment.
In addition
, it is irrefutable that most of the happiness can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
through money, even to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a bottle of water we need to pay.
For example
, why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are unhappy with their life?
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
cash to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they desire.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
economic success is
directly
linked to their Joy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
cheer to their existence.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
Possible agreement error. The noun find seems to be countable; consider using: "many finds".
many find
the joy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things, such as spending valuable time with family, helping others, posing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
health. Mean to say
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
bank balance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
won’t be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a peaceful life.
For example
, Steve Job, founder of Apple,
even though
he had a remarkable social status, hefty bank balance, he couldn’t survive with Cancer.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, care and wonderful health to be happy.

To conclude
, it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a social status, wealth which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
meaning to our life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects contribute to this. It varies from person to person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
material things one cannot be happy, the combination of all factors can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
a well-being.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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