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Some people think that people moving to a new country should accept new culture in the foreign country rather than living as a separate minority group with different lifestyle. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that people moving to a new country should accept new culture in the foreign country rather than living as a separate minority group with different lifestyle. v. 1
It is often believed that, while moving abroad one should adapt to the new culture of that country instead of being confined in a discrete minority group with the dissimilar ways of living. However, it seems critical to adjust with any new tradition, still in order to enjoy the full-fledged benefits of migration a person should acquire the skills of managing both the culture at a time. Firstly, adaptability is the key prerequisite if someone wants to live in a foreign country, otherwise he will not be able to enjoy the benefits of that particular region and will miss out the opportunities for which he has left his own country. Therefore, if someone can adjust well with the new place he will feel less homesick and can easily grab the opportunity around him. For instance, currently a good number of people from Asia are moving to Canada, they will not be benefited if they decide to live separately. Secondly, being with the majority is always beneficial in terms of ensuring security. If somebody lives in a new distant place, he will always feel insecure. Nonetheless, if he lives in minority group away from the other people, this will make him feel left alone and will break his confidence. For example, in Bangladesh, Bihari people always tend to live in their own community which hampers the well being of their children as they feel lonely at school. In contrast, it is impossible to leave the indigenous norms and customs entirely, one should nurture their native traditions and pass it to their future generations. Consequently, it will keep the diversity among the regions intact and enrich the overall ethnicity. In conclusion, accepting a new lifestyle can be troublesome, but for being successful in a new place in terms of grabbing opportunities and having secured life, it is crucial to blend with their way of living. I admit, there should be a proper mingling of both as well as they should not completely abandon their own ethnicity.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that, while moving abroad one should adapt to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
culture of that country
instead
of
being confined
in a discrete minority group with the dissimilar ways of living.
However
, it seems critical to adjust with any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
tradition,
still
in order to enjoy the full-fledged benefits of migration a person should acquire the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of managing both the culture at a time.

Firstly
, adaptability is the key prerequisite if someone wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a foreign country,
otherwise
he will not be able to enjoy the benefits of that particular region and will miss out the opportunities for which he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country.
Therefore
, if someone can adjust well with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
place he will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
less homesick and can
easily
grab
Consider using "the surrounding opportunity".
the opportunity around him
.
For instance
,
currently
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from Asia are moving to Canada, they will not
be benefited
if they decide to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
separately
.

Secondly
, being with the majority is always beneficial in terms of ensuring security. If somebody
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
distant place, he will always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
insecure. Nonetheless, if he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in minority group away from the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone and will break his confidence.
For example
, in Bangladesh,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bihari
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
community which hampers the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of their children as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
lonely at school.
In contrast
, it is impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the indigenous norms and customs
entirely
, one should nurture their native traditions and pass it to their future generations.
Consequently
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the diversity among the regions intact and enrich the
overall
ethnicity.

In conclusion
, accepting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
lifestyle can be troublesome,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for being successful in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
place in terms of grabbing opportunities and having secured life, it is crucial to blend with their way of living. I admit, there should be a proper mingling of both
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
they should not completely abandon their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ethnicity.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that people moving to a new country should accept new culture in the foreign country rather than living as a separate minority group with different lifestyle. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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