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Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. v. 2
Presently, it is becoming an obligation for everyone to own a mobile phone. Some believe that children also should be included in this trend while others disprove this idea. This essay discusses both views of the argument and then I will give my own perspective. On one hand, there are people who argue that children owning a mobile phone allow their parents to keep track of themselves thus giving them some peace of mind. This, undoubtedly acts as a safety gear and consequently enable them both the parents and the kids to have some degree of freedom. For example, there are some applications on mobile phones which makes it easy to follow a dear one without the other one feeling intrude. Furthermore, it can assist the child in any case of emergency as the child can phone their guardians or any person of authority such as police, firemen or doctors independently. Thus showing the benefits of such gadgets. On the other hand, having a mobile phone at such a tender age can have various negative impacts. Firstly, the child can develop an addiction, which could eventually lead to a sedentary lifestyle. For instance, a study from Harvard university in 2017, showed that children who are exposed to long hours of mobile phones, are prone to emotional, physical and psychological trauma. In addition, they become exposed to other risks such as pornography and online paedophiles. This is because of their naive nature and inability to understand the danger behind the scene and, as a consequence may become victims in a short span of time. In conclusion, I believe that both sides of this contentious arguments have their merits. On balance, however, I tend to believe that children should not be given a mobile phone since the risks are far more greater than its benefits, and damages can last for a lifetime. Instead, parents should find more effective ways of keeping track of their kids and educate them in case of urgencies.
Presently
, it is becoming an obligation for everyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
should
be included
in this trend while others disprove this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. This essay discusses both views of the argument and then I will give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
owning a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of themselves
thus
giving them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
peace of mind. This,
undoubtedly
acts as a safety gear and
consequently
enable them both the parents and the kids to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree of freedom.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
applications on mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easy to follow a dear one without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
one feeling intrude.
Furthermore
, it can assist the child in any case of emergency as the child can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
their guardians or any person of authority such as police, firemen or doctors
independently
.
Thus
showing the benefits of such gadgets.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, having a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
at such a tender age can have various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts.
Firstly
, the child can develop an addiction, which could
eventually
lead to a sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
, a study from
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
in 2017,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are exposed
to long hours of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, are prone to emotional, physical and psychological trauma.
In addition
, they become exposed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
such as pornography and online
Possible spelling mistake. 'paedophiles' is British English.
paedophiles
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their naive nature and inability to understand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
behind the scene and, as a consequence may become victims in a short span of time.

In conclusion
, I believe that both sides of this contentious arguments have their merits. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
since the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
are far
Use only "greater" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more greater
than its benefits, and damages can last for a lifetime.
Instead
, parents should find more effective ways of keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of their kids and educate them in case of urgencies.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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