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Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquire more knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects in details. Discuss both views and give your opinions. v.1

Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquire more knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects in details. v. 1
A frequent debated topic whether children at school should be provided with a large number of subjects. While many people advocate it, I would contend that focusing much more on a narrow program of practical subjects is better, as will now be discussed. On the one hand, there are those who claim that it is necessary to have courses having many subjects. Firstly, when accessing to a comprehensive learning programme with a wide range of subjects, children have more opportunities to develop their passion for a particular field. This helps children to grow thoroughly in almost aspects of life, paying the way for society to have more musicians, writers and painters. Secondly, small students are likely too young to define their career paths for life correctly at first, so teaching them a small number of subjects may limit their options for their future jobs. On the other hand, I side with those who support the idea that learning hands – on subjects is better. Primarily, only spending a large amount of time studying practical subjects means that huge pressure of leaning jobs- irrelevant subjects will be put aside when they take exams. In addition, students certainly will have more time to concentrate on practical subjects, so they may be equipped with in - depth knowledge of their chosen career before entering labour market. For example, many children in Vietnam develop their interests in Computer Science at their early age, which allows them to have better understanding of Information technology and act as catalyst for their good head start when applying for IT companies. In conclusion, I hold the view that schools’ curriculum based on a few practical subjects is praised for its contribution to more jobs opportunities when students finish studying despite the advantages of an education program with a variety of subjects.
A frequent debated topic whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at school should
be provided
with
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate it, I would contend that focusing much more on a narrow program of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is better, as will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be discussed
.

On the one hand, there are those who claim that it is necessary to have courses having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Firstly
, when accessing to a comprehensive learning
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
with a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more opportunities to develop their passion for a particular field. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to grow
thoroughly
in almost aspects of life, paying the way for society to have more musicians, writers and painters.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
students are likely too young to define their career paths for life
correctly
at
first
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
teaching them a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
may limit their options for their future jobs.

On the other hand
, I side with those who support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that learning hands
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is better.
Primarily
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
spending a large amount of time studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
means that huge pressure of leaning jobs- irrelevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will
be put
aside when they take exams.
In addition
, students
certainly
will have more time to concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may
be equipped
with in
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
depth knowledge of their chosen career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in Vietnam develop their interests in Computer Science at their early age, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to have better understanding of Information technology and act as catalyst for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
head
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
when applying for IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

In conclusion
, I hold the view that schools’ curriculum based on a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is praised
for its contribution to more jobs opportunities when students finish studying despite the advantages of an education program with a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquire more knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects in details. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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