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Some people think that money is the best gift to give to youngster while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.1

Some people think that money is the best gift to give to youngster while others disagree. 1
Although it is sometimes thought that the most appropriate present for the juvenile is fund, others believe otherwise. In my view, I consider that finance can be a source of poverty for them. . On the one hand, supporters of the first view say that the best reward for youngsters is fund because it can solve many challenges of life. This is because the majority of problems they faced in life can easily be overcome with cash. They have numerous things on their wanting list that only it can helps them achieve it, such as buying cars, clothes, electronic gadgets, paying of internet and phone bills, etc. Money helps them in planning for their future by setting up an enterprise. For example, my secondary school friend was given a huge sum of money by his father. At present, he owns 3 big companies with over 50 employees. Therefore, given money as a gift to a youngster can easily turn their lives around to become successful later in life, if well managed On the other hand, those with contrasting views opine that cash is not the best gift for children owing to the fact it can destroy their lives and I agree. This is because often times they wanted to buy many things, whether they are useful or not in order to show off among their peers that they are financially buoyant. Because they spend lavishly and could not manage the finances, they later become poverty-stricken. Therefore, the dollar is not the best reward for teenagers as it can ruin their lives when the lack the basic rudiments and capability to manage it. In conclusion, while people have different opinions, I believe that financial resources is not the most appropriate award for giving a toddler because it can ruin their lives.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that the most appropriate present for the juvenile is fund, others believe
otherwise
. In my view, I consider that finance can be a source of poverty for them.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


On the one hand, supporters of the
first
view say that the best reward for youngsters is fund
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges of life. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the majority of problems they faced in life can
easily
be overcome
with cash. They have numerous things on their wanting list that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "help"
helps
them achieve it, such as buying cars, clothes, electronic gadgets, paying of internet and phone bills, etc. Money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in planning for their future by setting up an enterprise.
For example
, my secondary school friend was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a huge sum of money by his father. At present, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
3
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with over 50 employees.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
money as a gift to a youngster can
easily
turn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
around to become successful later in life, if well managed

On the other hand
, those with contrasting views opine that cash is not the best gift for children owing to the fact it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
times they wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things, whether they are useful or not in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off among their peers that they are
financially
buoyant.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they spend
lavishly
and could not manage the finances, they later become poverty-stricken.
Therefore
, the dollar is not the best reward for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
as it can ruin their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
when the lack the basic rudiments and capability to manage it.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, I believe that financial resources is not the most appropriate award for giving a toddler
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can ruin their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that money is the best gift to give to youngster while others disagree. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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