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People argue that some youngster become well-known. v.1

People argue that some youngster become well-known. v. 1
People argue that some youngster become well-known. In affirmative, popular young man and women can bring confidence and they can earn much money, while some young people get depression that can make suicide situation and they have to spend much time from they are elementary school students. To start with, many people want to be entertainer when they are young in this period. It is because, people believe that they are life is so luxury life and it will change their lifestyle, For example, K-pop become famous in the world in this age; in this situation, almost artists are youth even teenager. Thus, they become many people’s icon which a few fan send to them present or letter, also they always try to find their icon’s happy. In the results, most of them has confidence as many people love them and this self-confidence will make more good quality of entertainer which make people happy as they enjoy music and program. Moreover, this work follow by big money for this work is so strict and it is high salary usually when they become famous people. On the other hand, some artist gain depression from their work because this job is many people know them and some people make a rumor or write a bad comment on celebrity news. For instance, one person become famed when he is young; however, it make him so sad as he is not doing anything while he have bad rumors, also he can see bad comments even he do not know their face. In addition, they have to do much practice if people want to be entertainer. It means, they cannot go to school, they cannot make s friends in the school and they cannot learn very well due to their practice. In this consequence, they gain depression and they cannot make a memory with their friends. In conclusion, in the positive situation, they can earn much money and they can do everything because of their confidence; nonetheless, they cannot easy to find their own way, if they cannot do artistes and some case it will make a depression.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
argue that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "youngsters"?
youngster
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
well-known. In affirmative, popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and women can bring
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
confidence and
they can earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
money, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depression that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
suicide
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
situation and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
time from they are elementary school students.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to be entertainer when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
in this period. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they are life is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
luxury life and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their lifestyle,
For example
, K-pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in the world in this age; in this situation, almost artists are youth even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
.
Thus
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
icon which a
Possible agreement error. The noun fan seems to be countable; consider using: "few fans".
few fan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
to them present or letter,
also
they always try to find their icon’s happy. In the results, most of them has confidence as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
them and this self-confidence will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality of entertainer which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy as they enjoy music and program.
Moreover
, this work follow by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
money for this work is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
strict and it is high salary
usually
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
artist gain depression from their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this job is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know them and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a rumor or write a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
comment on celebrity news.
For instance
, one person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
famed when he is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
;
however
, it
Did you mean "makes"?
make
him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
sad as he is not doing anything while he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
rumors,
also
he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
comments even he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
not know their face.
In addition
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
practice if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to be entertainer. It means, they cannot go to school, they cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
s friends in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
they cannot learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well due to their practice. In this consequence, they gain
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
depression and
they cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a memory with their friends.

In conclusion
, in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
situation, they can earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they can do everything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their confidence; nonetheless, they cannot easy to find their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way, if they cannot do artistes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
case it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a depression.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay People argue that some youngster become well-known. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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