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Some people think that money is the best gift to give to young people, while others think other types of gifts are better for young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that money is the best gift to give to young people, while others think other types of gifts are better for young people. v. 1
It can be a struggle to select an appropriate gift for a young relative or the child of a friend. While some believe that money is the best type of tip, I agree with those who suggest other gifts are more suitable. Many people believe that money makes an excellent present. Proponents of this view may suggest that young people already have what they need in terms of toys and gadgets and so giving them more will not be of benefit. They also argue that the young may actually learn valuable skills from the process of choosing to save or spend their wages. For example, if the young customer chooses to spend the cash, they will learn the value of things that they wish to buy and what they can or cannot afford. This could make them more financially mature and independent. On the other hand, I am in agreement with those who believe that actual gifts are better than wealth. An important reason is that cash is quite an impersonal gift since it shows no understanding of the interests of the receiver. It is therefore more appropriate to give something that shows the adult understands the desires of the young customer, such as a piece of jewellery or the shirt of his/her favourite sports club. Furthermore, an educational gift, such as a book, or a useful gift, such as a watch, allows the young person to develop or improve his/her skills and so will be directly beneficial. In conclusion, whereas many believe that financial gifts may increase independence and be popular, I side with those who suggest gifts showing an understanding of the young customer or which are educational are more beneficial. It is clearly important to consider the needs and interests of young people when selecting gifts.
It can be a struggle to select an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
relative or the child of a friend. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that money is the best type of tip, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who suggest other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
are more suitable.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an excellent present. Proponents of this view may suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
already have what they need in terms of toys and gadgets and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
giving them more will not be of benefit. They
also
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
may actually learn valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from the process of choosing to save or spend their wages.
For example
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
customer chooses to spend the cash, they will learn the value of things that they wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
and what they can or cannot afford. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more
financially
mature and independent.

On the other hand
, I am in agreement with those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that actual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
are better than wealth. An
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that cash is quite an impersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
since it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
no understanding of the interests of the receiver. It is
therefore
more appropriate to give something that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the adult understands the desires of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
customer, such as a piece of
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
or the shirt of his/her
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sports club.
Furthermore
, an educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
, such as a book, or a useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
, such as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person to develop or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his/her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
will be
directly
beneficial.

In conclusion
, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
may increase independence and be popular, I side with those who suggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
showing an understanding of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
customer or which are educational are more beneficial. It is
clearly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider the needs and interests of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
when selecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think that money is the best gift to give to young people, while others think other types of gifts are better for young people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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