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some people think that money is one of the essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without money. what other factors contribute towards happiness. v.3

some people think that money is one of the essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without money. what other factors contribute towards happiness. v. 3
“Money cannot buy happiness” is a famous saying and there are many supporters and opponents of this viewpoint. However, in my opinion, to some extent money is vital to lead a happy life, but other aspects are also as essential as money. To begin, the most substantial parameter contributes towards happiness is loving family. Despite of having feeble financial background, many individuals are living happy life due to strong family support. Whereas, it has been observed many times, that wealthy people are more prone to depression in spite of having extravagance livelihood and reason being is broken family which causes isolation. For example, depression is very common among the people of the developed countries compared to the developing nations, because trend of living together in the developing countries give people strength to face hardship and challenges of life. However, apart from family, there are another factors, which analyze level of happiness. For instance, many people have certain goals in their lives and after achieving those goals they get real feel of happiness such as, scientists spend their entire life in research and after attaining desired result, they sense the real happiness. Furthermore, job satisfaction and successful business another factors in individuals life, which catalyze the happiness. Nonetheless, without money life could become arduous and challenging, hence, money could not be eluded completely if one wants to live a peaceful life. To conclude, I believe, to a larger extent money decides the direction of the life but with the support of doting family and hard work, true happiness in the world could be achieved.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“Money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness”
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
saying and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
supporters and opponents of this viewpoint.
However
, in my opinion, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is vital to lead a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other aspects are
also
as essential as money.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, the most substantial parameter contributes towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
The verb 'loving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is loving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
having feeble financial background,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals are living happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
due to strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
support. Whereas, it has
been observed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times, that wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more prone to depression
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
having extravagance livelihood and reason being
is broken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
which causes isolation.
For example
, depression is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
compared to the developing nations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
trend of living together in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
strength to face hardship and challenges of life.

However
, apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, there are another factors, which analyze level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have certain goals in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and after achieving those goals they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
real feel of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
such as, scientists spend their entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in research and after attaining desired result, they sense the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Furthermore
, job satisfaction and successful business another factors in individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which catalyze the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Nonetheless, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
could become arduous and challenging,
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could not
be eluded
completely if one wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a peaceful life.

To conclude
, I believe, to a larger extent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
decides the direction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the support of doting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in the world could
be achieved
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that money is one of the essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without money. what other factors contribute towards happiness. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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