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Nowadays more and more children acquire unhealthy eating habits. Why is it happening? What can be done to solve this issue? v.2

Nowadays more and more children acquire unhealthy eating habits. Why is it happening? What can be done to solve this issue? v. 2
Nowadays children are developing bad habits of eating unhealthy food. As a result, they are succumbed to various diseases such as obesity, diabetes and heart diseases at such tender age. There are enormous reasons persuading children to eat junk food. However, by applying available measures, we could prevent pupils from such bad eating habits. To begin, the prime cause of such scenario is attractive food adverts on television. For instance, children get influenced by seeing tempting food on TV and pressurize their parents to buy the same. Moreover, there are numerous food outlets opened across the country, which promote unhealthy food and they mostly target innocent children by keeping fancy food on display. Subsequently, these food outlets add preservatives and unhealthy ingredients to make food tasty, therefore, children find such food more delicious than homemade food. Finally, to some extent, parents are responsible for this situation as to avoid cooking at home due to work pressure, they prefer to eat outside with children and spoil their habits. There are many precautions available to improve the situation. Firstly, parents could play a vital role by providing children healthy food at home in a fun way. Secondly, by educating children about the consequences of eating junk food, we could curb the problem. Lastly, governments ought to publish guidelines to regulate the food business, and impose strict law against those who play with children' s health by serving unhealthy food. To conclude, I believe that the collective efforts of parents and governments, we could make the situation better. In addition, individual awareness is another important aspect to reduce the consumption of unhealthy food among the children.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are developing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits of eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
As a result
, they
are succumbed
to various diseases such as obesity, diabetes and heart diseases at such tender age. There are enormous reasons persuading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
However
, by applying available measures, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
pupils from such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating habits.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, the prime cause of such scenario is attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
adverts on television.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by seeing tempting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
on TV and pressurize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the same.
Moreover
, there are numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets opened across the country, which promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
food and
they
mostly
target innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by keeping fancy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
on display.
Subsequently
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
preservatives and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
ingredients to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
tasty,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
find such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
more delicious than homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Finally
, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for this situation as to avoid cooking at home due to work pressure, they prefer to eat outside with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and spoil their habits.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
precautions available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could play a vital role by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home
Consider replacing "in a fun way" with the adverb for "fun"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a fun way
.
Secondly
, by educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the consequences of eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, we could curb the problem.
Lastly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
ought to publish guidelines to regulate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
business, and impose strict law against those who play with
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s health by serving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
food.

To conclude
, I believe that the collective efforts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation better.
In addition
, individual awareness is another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more children acquire unhealthy eating habits. Why is it happening? What can be done to solve this issue? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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