Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

some people think that mobile phones are harmful for their children, while others disagree. discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

some people think that mobile phones are harmful for their children, while others disagree. v. 1
People hold different views as to whether mobile phones are detrimental to children or not. In my opinion, this depends very much on how the phones are used and how that use is supervised as to whether they are harmful to children or not. On the one hand, some people think children can be harmed by using mobile phones mainly because the games and apps found on phones, which are mostly not educational, can easily become addictive. This result in children engaging less in healthy physical activities and spending less time on homework, both of which can have dire ramifications in the long run. Furthermore, using mobile phones exposes children to a monitored social media platform where predators might be lurking in wait by taking advantage of the anonymity offered online. On the other hand, mobile phones can protect children by allowing parents to track their geographical location and contact them immediately if necessary. Never before have parents been able to know the exact whereabouts of their child minute by minute. Besides, instant communication provides essential security for children in times of crisis. lastly, mobile phones does allow access to educational apps specifically created for children, which, if used wisely, can further their education. Finally, I believe that if parents monitor how the smartphone is being used by their child, it can be beneficial for the child’s development. By blocking certain social media sites, parents can be sure their child is safe whilst being online. Moreover, by setting time limits on how long their child can use the phone means that it will not interfere with a child’s educational development and will avoid any form of addiction. In conclusion, children are only at risk when using a mobile phone if they are not being supervised and not given strict guidelines to follow which are set by their parents.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or not. In my opinion, this depends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much on how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and how that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is supervised
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
they are harmful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or not.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be harmed
by using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the games and apps found on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, which are
mostly
not educational, can
easily
become addictive. This result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
engaging less in healthy physical activities and spending less time on homework, both of which can have dire ramifications in the long run.
Furthermore
, using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
exposes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to a monitored social media platform where predators might be lurking in wait by taking advantage of the anonymity offered online.

On the other hand
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
their geographical location and contact them immediately if necessary. Never
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
been able to know the exact whereabouts of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
minute by minute.
Besides
, instant communication provides essential security for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in times of crisis.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
lastly
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
does
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
access to educational apps
specifically
created for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
, can
further
their education.

Finally
, I believe that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
monitor how the smartphone is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, it can be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
development. By blocking certain social media sites,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can be sure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is safe whilst being online.
Moreover
, by setting time limits on how long their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
means that it will not interfere with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
educational development and will avoid any form of addiction.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
when using a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
if they are not
being supervised
and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
strict guidelines to follow which
are set
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that mobile phones are harmful for their children, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts