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Some people think that mobile phones are harmful for children, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think that mobile phones are harmful for children, while others disagree. v. 3
Nowadays, utilizing private phones are increased by children. Some individuals say that they have some bad side effects on kids, however, others have completely different idea. There are rational arguments on both sides of the given statement which will be discussed in details, followed by my point of view. On the one hand, The main reason is that being unhealthy is a determining factor for being harmful of cell phones for kids. To begin with, considering that children use mobile phone, they are more likely to accustomed to play more games on private phones. That is to say, when children play games, they do habit to spend huge amount of time for playing. Take a spending four hours playing a specific game as an example; the kids would get overweight, because of the fact that spent time to employ mobile phones rather than doing body activity entertainment. Moreover, some rays of mobile phones have really bad impact on the child's mind as well. Thus, the more dedicating time for using of cell phones, the more unhealthy affection of children. On the other hand, the opposing view asserts that two essential reasons can explain why the mobile phone is useful to kids. To simply put, firstly, parents always worry about their children, when they are away from their families. That is to say, by using cell phones by kids, parents can have access to them all the time. A good illustration for this is going picnic while children are in the picnic with their friend, their families can navigate their location. In the mean time, secondly, the mobile phones could enhance the knowledge of children to the new-fledged technologies for the sake of employing them in the future life. To conclude, there are valid arguments on the both sides of this controversy, however, it is my firm opinion that attention should be paid to prevent children for utilizing mobile phones, because they require to be more energetic following by some unhealthy problems.
Nowadays, utilizing private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are increased
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals say that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
side effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
,
however
, others have completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. There are rational arguments on both sides of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement which will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, followed by my point of view.

On the one hand, The main reason is that being unhealthy is a determining factor for being harmful of cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, considering that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, they are more likely to accustomed to play more games on private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
That is
to say, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play games, they do habit to spend huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for playing. Take a spending four hours playing a specific game as an example; the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overweight,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to employ mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
rather
than doing body activity entertainment.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rays of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on the child's mind
as well
.
Thus
, the more dedicating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for using of cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, the more unhealthy affection of children.

On the other hand
, the opposing view asserts that two essential reasons can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is useful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. To
simply
put,
firstly
, parents always worry about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, when they are away from their families.
That is
to say, by using cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, parents can have access to them all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration for this is going picnic while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are in the picnic with their friend, their families can navigate their location. In the mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
secondly
, the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
could enhance the knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to the new-fledged technologies for the sake of employing them in the future life.

To conclude
, there are valid arguments on the both sides of this controversy,
however
, it is my firm opinion that attention should
be paid
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for utilizing mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they require to be more energetic following by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unhealthy problems.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that mobile phones are harmful for children, while others disagree. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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