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In many countries, more money is spent on transport system in the cities. In contrast, very little is spent in rural areas. What are the effect of this and What can be done to solve this problem. v.2

In many countries, more money is spent on transport system in the cities. In contrast, very little is spent in rural areas. What are the effect of this and What can be done to solve this problem. v. 2
Family plays a vital role in every individual’s life, regardless of their age, nationality or gender. Due to this reason, many families nurturing of kids in the nuclear family, instead of joint family. While it is possible to claim that looking after children in extended family provide more benefits and care, so this essay will analyse both the facts of this proposal before reaching a logical conclusion. To commence with, there are various arguments in support of the aforementioned statement, which emphasizes the benefits of care of kids in a large family. The most prominent one of them that extended family give a sense of “sharing in caring”. Also, multiple people are in family to rise the children’s because work will be divided between them and only person does not have to tackle the all responsibilities so all members of the family can pay attention towards kids. Additionally, when kids upbringing will be in a joint family, they can help with the family by doing work, which will help to teach them the value of money. Moreover, children can learn in a practical manner and in future they will not spoil the money and use it wisely. For instance, if children will live in nuclear family their parents could be busy at work and bad company people could accompany their kids because nobody will teach them how to work and what is the value of money. There are also, however, strong arguments in favour of the nuclear family. Small family has less expenses and they can enjoy their comfortable life without interfering of other family members so, they do not need to be worried about the needs of other people. Secondly, parents have more knowledge about their kids what are their likes and dislikes, what are their strengths and weaknesses as well as about favourite food because of, that people think children care could be better in small family rather than big family. In an overview, better care of kids in nuclear family cannot be ignored. While, there are strong arguments on both sides of the case, my personal view is that everyone should give preference to joint family for the upbringing of kids.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
plays a vital role in every individual’s life, regardless of their age, nationality or gender. Due to this reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
nurturing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in the nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
instead
of joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. While it is possible to claim that looking after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
provide more benefits and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
both the facts of this proposal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a logical conclusion.

To commence with, there are various arguments in support of the aforementioned statement, which emphasizes the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. The most prominent one of them that extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
give a sense of “sharing in caring”.
Also
, multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to rise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will
be divided
between them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
person does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
tackle the all responsibilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
all members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can pay attention towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
Additionally
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
upbringing will be in a joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
by doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to teach them the value of money.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn
Consider replacing "in a practical manner" with the adverb for "practical"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a practical manner
and in future they will not spoil the money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
wisely
.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
their parents could be busy at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could accompany their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nobody will teach them how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and what is the value of money.

There are
also
,
however
, strong arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun expenses is countable.
less
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
expenses and
they can enjoy their comfortable life without interfering of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they do not need to
be worried
about the needs of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Secondly
, parents have more knowledge about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
what are their likes and dislikes, what are their strengths and weaknesses
as well
as about
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
could be better in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In an overview, better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

While, there are strong arguments on both sides of the case, my personal view is that everyone should give preference to joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for the upbringing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay In many countries, more money is spent on transport system in the cities. In contrast, very little is spent in rural areas. What are the effect of this and What can be done to solve this problem. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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