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Some people think that main ame of schools is turn children into good citizens and workers, rather their individual benefits. Do you agree or not? v.1

Some people think that main ame of schools is turn children into good citizens and workers, rather their individual benefits. Do you agree or not? v. 1
According to some people vital aim of schools is turning pupils into good citizens or workers apparently from getting their individual benefits. Personally, I agree to this term and reason why I am going to describe it now. To begin with, schools are places where the most of our children's life was spent, so there would be created basics of pupils and it depicts their future. First of all, the way of teachings in the numerous schools is held in the group which means at least 20 pupils in the class, so teachers don't have enough time, to spend it by listening all of the opinions gave by the children. Furthermore the individual attitude of pupils may be rejected in case that their method would be different from their teacher's and leading them to be in a box, and only follow what tutors tell them. For instance, if you do something by yourself and if it various than that of teachers, you have to get a less mark. To put in other words, they will begin to do everything they were told, like robots. To put it in other words, the amount of people think that doing things like they tend to do is well and want them to go on like this. After some time they will adopt in such circumstances and carry on with this. In conclusion, schools are a place from where the various owners of jobs can grow up. So the schools can make persons as robots or creators.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
vital aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is turning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens or workers
apparently
from getting their individual benefits.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this term and reason why I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are places where the most of our children's life
was spent
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there would
be created
basics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
and it depicts their future.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the way of teachings in the numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is held
in the group which means at least 20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
teachers don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time, to spend it by listening
Consider using "all the".
all of the
opinions gave by the children.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
the individual attitude of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
may
be rejected
in case that their method would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from their teacher's and leading them to be in a box, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
follow what tutors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them.
For instance
, if you do something by yourself and if
It seems that a verb is missing after "it". Please verify.
it
Use "(various)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
various
than that of teachers, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a less mark. To put
in other words
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to do everything they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
, like robots.

To put it
in other words
, the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that doing things like they tend to do is well and want them to go on like this. After
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time they will adopt in such circumstances and carry on with this.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are a place from where the various owners of jobs can grow up.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
persons as robots or creators.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that main ame of schools is turn children into good citizens and workers, rather their individual benefits. Do you agree or not? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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