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some people think that large international sporting events only brings drawbacks, and that it is not worth hosting them. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

some people think that large international sporting events only brings drawbacks, and that it is not worth hosting them. v. 1
Our precious wealth - environment - is undergoing a plethora of bad phenomena by the negligence of people towards the natural world. I think the core of this occurrence lies on urbanisation as well as fiscal problems and we can work it out with the assist of government's strict regulations which I will consider them in detail in the following paragraphs now. To commence, there is no iota of doubt that all cities, around the globe, have been becoming urbanized because of intense competitiveness among other developed ones. In this process most people forget the essence of life and only caring about money they want to earn and also they have no time as they are all working or studying individuals. For example, a person who came from a rural area to a metropolis and have lots of work to do, will not completely think about the natural environment. Probably, because of this kind of issues people are disregarding "their priority". However, if we are on this way, might encounter even more problems. There are two ways that people can learn the role of nature through. Firstly, restrictions, prohibition and even fining by authority could be the best method to teach. Secondly, our ecosystem itself can be the best teacher as we are suffering from epidemic viruses one in every 5 years which are the results of our ignorance. For example, corona virus, almost all nations is facing, is causing thousands of death in current days. Furthermore, our younger generations who watch tv a lot can learn through shows and special movies how important the natural world is. In conclusion, although our natural world is the most primary aspect of humane life most of us forget it. But there are some ways to treat it like supervising deeds by government and learning through mistakes resulted in sickness.
Our precious wealth
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
environment
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
is undergoing a plethora of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
phenomena by the negligence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
world. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the core of this occurrence lies on
Possible spelling mistake. 'urbanisation' is British English.
urbanisation
as well
as fiscal
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
we can work it out with the assist of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's strict regulations which I will consider them in detail in the following paragraphs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

To commence, there is no iota of doubt that all cities, around the globe, have been becoming urbanized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of intense competitiveness among other developed ones. In this process most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forget the essence of life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
caring about money they want to earn and
also
they have no time as they are all working or studying individuals.
For example
, a person who came from a rural area to a metropolis and have lots of work to do, will not completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
environment.
Probably
,
because of this
kind of issues
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are disregarding
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
their priority
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.

However
, if we are on this way, might encounter even more problems. There are two ways that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn the role of nature through.
Firstly
, restrictions, prohibition and even fining by authority could be the best method to teach.
Secondly
, our ecosystem itself can be the best teacher as we are suffering from epidemic viruses one in every 5 years which are the results of our ignorance.
For example
,
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
, almost all nations is facing, is causing thousands of death in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
days.
Furthermore
, our younger generations who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
a lot can learn through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and special movies how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
world is.

In conclusion
, although our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
world is the most primary aspect of humane life most of us forget it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to treat it like supervising deeds by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and learning through mistakes resulted in sickness.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay some people think that large international sporting events only brings drawbacks, and that it is not worth hosting them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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