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In many places the role of father and mother is changing. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development? ” v.1

In many places the role of father and mother is changing. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development? ” v. 1
Some people believe that governments should not have to supply care of financial support for older people because self-prepare for retirement is the liability of each person. In my opinion, I think it is the responsibility of governments to take care of its senior citizens as well each person must have plans for their retirement. To begin with, citizens have to pay taxes to governments for their salaries every month. For this reason, I think they are worthy of financial support from the government when they are old. Furthermore, at present, there are some people that do not have children or any relatives, or they have a lot of trouble and can not make money. In this situation, the government should take care of their older citizens in many ways, such as arrange a facility of old age homes which they can meet and talk together, provide foods for them, . . . On the other hand, except for the special situation which I mentioned, the elderly should not depend completely on governments ' s funds. Each person have to save money to prepare for their retirement. By this time, the elderly do not need any support from anyone. Additionally, the children should provide financial for their parents when they reach retirement age because they not only give birth to their kids, but also spend a lot of their earnings to foster their children. In conclusion, I think that both government and ourself should have responsibility for supporting the elderly. If each person self-prepare as well as saving money for the future, they do not need depends on anyone when they are old.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
supply care of financial support for older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
self-prepare for retirement is the liability of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to take care of its senior citizens
as well
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have plans for their retirement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay taxes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
for their salaries every month.
For this reason
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they are worthy of financial support from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
when they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Furthermore
, at present, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that do not have children or any relatives, or they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
trouble and can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. In this situation, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take care of their older citizens in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways, such as arrange a facility of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age homes which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and talk together, provide foods for them
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the special situation which I mentioned, the elderly should not depend completely on
Did you mean "government's" or "governments'"?
governments ' s
funds. Each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
save money to prepare for their retirement. By this time, the elderly do not need any support from anyone.
Additionally
, the children should provide financial for their parents when they reach retirement age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
give birth to their kids,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their earnings to foster their children.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
ourself
should have responsibility for supporting the elderly. If each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
self-prepare
as well
as saving money for the future, they do not need depends on anyone when they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many places the role of father and mother is changing. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development? ” v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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